A heading inspired by my older brother, Danyel, stories of the stupid.
Definition
Wet Paper Bag, the definition only needs to say Danyel and everyone will understand. Yep, Danyel with a Y, even autocorrect at the start was like no, it isn’t, there is no Y in Daniel. It has gotten used to it now but it took a while. It is still shaking its head, two weeks later.
Danyel with a Y, just one of the pathetic things this wet paper bag bitches and moans about non-stop like anyone gives a shit. Wastes so much time complaining about it when he could just legally change the spelling. The idea never came across this idiot’s head, in fact this is his solution for everything, blame everyone and thing else and never ever take responsibility or do something for yourself. He is a piss poor excuse for a man.
The easiest way to define something is to put it in a sentence, I’ll try it;
Danyel spent his whole life working his arse off to convince everyone he is the version of a man’s man that a man should be, but everybody knows he’s nothing but a wet paper bag.
Wet paper bag, it literally translates to someone being extraordinarily weak.
Synonyms include nancy, sissy, big girl’s blouse, coward, sook, bitch, glass jawed (I’m a bit glass jawed myself), weak as piss, a woos, pansy.
DANYEL
No Shit
Danyel is such a wet paper bag that he would not even change his son’s shitty nappies. No shit, not one, not ever, for either of them. Then, somehow thinks anyone in the room empathises him when he tells them he couldn’t stand the smell, does not realise they are whispering to themselves, wet paper bag, dead beat Dad.
Who’s the Bushpig now?
Danyel is such a pathetic man that he will scream terrible terrible things at the next door neighbour’s with his mates, things like calling them bushpigs. 10, 20, 30 years later, still ongoing, he doesn’t realise that terrible noise that comes out of this mouth when he cracks the shits 15 times a day, at nothing, before he runs away to the shed is identical to one. Who’s the bushpig now buddy?
Own Wing Man
Danyel is such an awful brother, and husband, that he would spend the whole night tuning a women at the pub, only pulling out at the last moment because his younger brother said he would not lie for him. The younger brother who fucked her sister, found out in the hotel room they weren’t actually sisters, friends instead, close friends! Danyel would then bang on about Frederick being his own wing man for years and years later, well after the episode was finished and forgotten. Guilt, it’s what keeps the repetition. Oh, his brother would not lie because even then knew this man was a moron, his wife was a million times better person, was and continues to be better off without him.
Trying so hard
The last time Danyel and I talked he tells me how worried he was, he tried to contact me without response, laid awake sleepless multiple nights concerned about me. Yet, didn’t send me a single email, tried so hard.
Boardgames
Danyel will deny his children the opportunity to grow up with their cousins, Aunties and Uncles. Won’t attend family gatherings anymore. The last one Danyel and the family attended everybody was enjoying themselves, hanging out together, playing board games, doing family stuff together. Everyone together, well except Danyel who is too manly for these things. While we all had a good time he sat by himself at the kitchen and complained, complained so much that even though everyone else had a great time together never again would the whole family gather again, all because Danyel didn’t only get Danyel’s way.
RACHEL
Sell-out
My sister Rachel, her life is nothing but a sell-out, means nothing, not a moment means anything. No value in it at all. She used to look like my mother, beauitiful, now she is the opposite, much more similar features to my greedy Aunty (who, herself when I was very young was my version of beauty). rachel has a daughter that looks just like Mum, the most beautiful girl I have ever known. Her sister, equally beautiful, in different ways.
Rachel’s life dream was a marine biologist, to discover the sea, she completed the degree at University, even discovered a new nudibranch species. Then, she gave her dream to the public service, the most ignorant department, Climate Change. Now she spends her life in an office, contributing in all the worst ways to climate destruction, both in and out of her career. Killing the sea, killing her nudibranch with every key tap, new car, update at home, betterer this and that, all the rest.
Oh, I forgot to mention, she does it all for attention, to fit in. She isn’t the only one reader.
FREDERICK
Lying to suit
Frederick is the type of wet paper bag that would have his first sexual experience with a male, orgasm in her mouth, feel guilty and then lie about bashing her to maintain his manlyhood and straightness. Bashing her badly (no actual bashing took place). Years later, he would attempt to undo the lie to his little brother when it suited him to do so. Wet paper bag.
BENJAMIN
The worst Dad
Benajmin, my beautiful little brother, will tell me every time I am doing something wrong to my car, every thing that needs fixing and I’ll go yep, thanks mate, you know what you’re talking about, you’re a mechanic. But when I tell him he is abusing his daughters, and give him examples based on my expertise in the field he’ll tell me doesn’t support saving lives and prefers I am dead because I don’t know what I am talking about. His mates do though, tell him he is a good Dad. His mates, also mechanics, clothing makers and stay-at-home Mums. But mate, these people a re shit parents too, they love having you around because of it, you are the worst of the worst. You are our Dad, the ultimate wet paper bag.