This is simply my journal. The same journal as you or anyone would write with the exception that I put it online. I make it readable and flowing as much as possible, this is not for you, it is for me. I read my journal after writing it, look for the things I am still learning and keep my attention towards them.
Once all my learnings from my own writing and reflection are complete I burn, well used to burn the books and start again, now I delete. I still do the same thing but just on a screen and for the world to read. I do this because it means there is not a single secret in my life, no matter what I have done it is out there. I have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed, scared or vulnerable, I have nothing to hide, I don’t have to waste energy on secrets and lies.
Even my naked body is out there, banging hard-on and everything, I do not care if this gets dissemenated. If one of the home videos taken with other people becomes public, again, I do not care. I have done this shit, sex is fucking awesome, why the hell would I be ashamed? Why the hell would I be ashamed of my body? It is fucking beautiful, like isn’t it? Any my cock? Emma’s feedback, and others, is that it is a beautiful cock, again why would I be ashamed? Kind of okay for it to be out there to be honest, and I know it is beautiful, and a really good size, Grindr chats helped me to really understand this.
It’s a beautiful life.
My writing, it is a journal, yes, I make it readable but I don’t fix a majority of the errors. Multiple reasons, I do not care primarily, and equally primarily it is about you seeing you. That you cannot read through the grammar and spelling mistakes, did you see the obvious one here, the use of the wrong word here and there, to see the message shows you your mirror. This is how pathetic in your priviliege you are, you will not read something because of grammar, you will dismiss others because written words do not sit in their head like they do you. You dismiss them based on their access to education, you seeing yourself yet?
I know, as you do, what value people like you add to the world. It’s sad I have to spell it out but I remembered if anyone is reading this they are likely Australian, undersized brains and all make it hard for them to think. So, what I mean is that you add zero value to anything, none at all, zip, nada.
The learning tool is this, to put away your privilege amd your ignorance and treat people as people, this is the way to peace, there is no other way, this is the only way to read my shit. I am good at English, really good, occasionally the mistakes here are genuine or not picked up by myself but only very occasionally. Well over 90% of the errors are intentional, I either leave them there or put them there, I do this to show you yourself. You cannot unsee it now, you’ve got some work to do hey buddy?
This could become anything, it always does. Starts out with writing and then takes twists and turns. There are things I do not want to do again, but I will if they are fun. My motivation isn’t about biological family anymore, it is just to have fun. So the stuff I have done previously in all different ways, including YouTube, may be involved but may not be, depends on how fun this all is.
I’ve already shown this, only wanted it to be three posts, then it was four, and then five. Five was good but a bunch of stuff was together so I updated the site, split it up and now there is many categories for me to play with, clearly there is no rehearsel or thinking in any of this.
To be honest too, there are alternative motivations here. I’m not going to bag my previous life for the sake of it, I’m going to use examples where need be, mainly the funny ones but some won’t be funny. None of these people add value to my life, my biological family are at the very top of this list, but it also includes almost every form of relationship I have ever had. There is no value because these people need me to lie in order for them to be comfortable company, it’s sad, it is all of you! I have few relationships now but one hour brings more to my life with these people than my whole adult life with all the previous.
The alternative motivation is I love these people, especially the nieces and nephews who do not come under any of the negative descriptions of my family, these people are beautiful beyond belief. Their beauty comes from within, they project it out, absolutely welcome in my life at any time. I love them and it is not fair that they worry about me because I know they are.
I don’t want to participate in this worry because I know they are just using it as a distraction from looking at themselves in the mirror and saying what I said many years ago, I am the problem in my life here, the common factor of all my problems is me, I need to be better. Today my intention is to be a better version of me than I was yesterday. But, the worry being in their heads means it is extra full of rubbish on top of the mountains of rubbish that already lives there, I take this away, give them a little more space, hopefully it is enough for them to see.
I’m not expecting they read it, I know though they are worried so they will check and they will see updates, a change within the site, care being taken to make sure it is comfortable at first glance, they see I am okay from a perspective. The perspective where I am clearly still living and can string a sentence together. They are worried I have gone insane. I do not begrudge them this, I completely understand, completely. But, I do not care, because I know that everything that comes from their mouths is ignorant bullshit, Australian ignorant bullshit, the worst type.
These people will allow abuse to continue, they will not listen to the person in the room who knows it even though it is his expertise, a mechanic apparently knows more about human behaviour and domestic violence than a guy who has invested his life in it. This guy is a moron, my little brother Benjamin, the most beautiful man in my old life has become my father. My sister Rachel has become my Aunty. My older brother, well, I do not know. None of them are any version of my mother, of me.
My life to these people, including the extended family stretching from New Zealand to Germany is worth a $100 Coles voucher, that is it, nothing more. My little brother told me he does not support what I am doing after I told him what I do saves lives, has saved many lives, I gave him examples, literally he told me he does not support saving lives. The same bloke who bangs on about hypocrisy non-stop and will scream at his daughters for making a mess when the house is an absolute pigsty all the time, these people are disgusting human beings. Yet, I love them with all my heart, they are the most beautiful people in my worlds, I’m just fucking glad they are not in this one.
Because I love my family I do not let them worry, I do not give them the silent treatment, this is just pathetic. I update regularly enough, make a change at least regularly enough to show activity. I cannot do anything about any other worry but this, it is the only part I can participate in, the crazy shit is up to them to find an understanding of. They know I am alive, clearly have what I need to live and I can string a sentence together. I care about these people, it is what I do. It doesn’t take much to bring some comfort to another’s life, just a little ego and pride closeting.