There is a real beauty in the way Fred goes about learning his attachments. The book is showing you how to do it, using himself as an example, a working in progress example.
Clearly at this point we understand the attachment part of Frederick’s journey is sex and cigarettes. Over and over again it is mentioned in different ways, all of which are him looking at both from alternate perspectives. The last couple of chapters show it is intensifying, Fred is getting closer to breaking the attachments open. The attachment does not want to give in, pushes harder, becomes more thought consuming. The thoughts themselves louder.
Loud thoughts are not Fred’s way. The thought noise isn’t too loud just yet, it’s loud enough. Fred takes action within himself. The current way of exploring the attachments is not working, he doesn’t understand it.
Cigarettes, the action taken can be seen. He is adding further changes to reduce them. Not buying them when he runs out on Tuesday. The other smoker at work he won’t see until Friday, he’ll have none around him. The loose plan is not to smoke for 48 hours or so. Deny the attachment to cigarettes the thing it wants. It will need to present in different ways, ways he may understand more clearly.
Sex, same, he is fighting the attachment’s way, not the attachment, by reaching out for it, trying to find a pathway to it. He also does a similar thing as he does with the darts, denies the attachment of the thing it wants. Getting horny, really horny, the point he may usually masturbate he says no, wait a bit. While waiting the attachment intensifies and intensifies. Fred gets to a point where he has beat it, then he’ll beat it. Afterwards laughing at himself for being a prick to himself. Attachment not even you can make me wank, then he basically wanks in its face to show it who is boss.
Funny fucker.
So he stops masturbating when the attachment wants it, he does it when he does. Again, the attachment has to try and find another way to show itself.
Alternatively the attachment will take a second path. Have a tantrum at losing all it’s power over its human and give up. The tantrum generally is intense but it doesn’t last long. Afterwards it’ll just give him what he wants. First the tantrum, the tantrum is the attachment telling you its story very directly, telling you to let go. Accept it.
Letting go, this term, let us discuss it. Fred hears all the time, just let it go, accept it, let go, no sweat. These words mean nothing to many, Fred, the Narrator, the person saying them. When one cannot explain something clearly, simply, they are speaking out of their asshole. They know nothing.
To let go means I accept what I am telling myself. What I am telling myself in my thoughts, my actions, hobbies, sexual orientation, choices, what I am telling Myself. I am telling Me to accept that all these things that I detest and protest are all me. I do them, have done, am doing them as I riot against not doing them. It means to accept I am making the world a horrible place for everyone and it is Me and My choices that do the horrible.
Not others, me.
To let go means to accept that I am a human being. I have choices. I am making terrible choices, it is my fault. No matter what has happenned to you Reader Family, what you do with it is your fault. Your shit life is your fault. I guarantee while you are fighting these words you prove them right. Ego cannot handle truth. No, no, no, not me.
Definitely you buddy.
One then accepts and understands that their fucking choices do matter. Oh boy, do they matter. All the rubbish of it doesn’t matter what I do and say, I do not matter is such pathetic, weak, cowardly rubbish. I am the way I am, it’s just the way I am, fucking coward. My sexuality is not my choice, ignorant cunt.
Choices matter because your life is shit, you cannot be with yourself without distraction for a moment. You’re life is fucking hell. It is the truth brothers and sisters. The Narrator tells the truth. The truth is what love is.
Through acceptance one also comes to understand what their choices have done to the world, their world, but more the terrible way they feel all the time is their own fault. People, all people, have been trying to force others to change for such a long time, done terrible things to others, their children, for it. You have to accept these things now, feel what you have done with them, feel what you have done to yourself. Feel how horrible you are.
At this point Freddy knew his choices mattered. He makes different choices.
Next comes the other side of learning the attachment. The same topic, different scenario, different choices. Choices resulting in magical outcomes. Feel how beautiful you are.
The choices matter more now, he knows the choice to make.
Next nothing, nada, zip. No more attachment, no more intense feelings, freedom opens up. HIs body becomes absiolutely free, there are no thoughts in his head. The period lasts some time, weeks, months, depending. It is beyond beautiful. It could go on forever but Fred has more questions, he’s after answers.
The thoughts slowly come back to his head, he pays attention to them, what are they saying? The basics of the puzzle, what are the topics that are repeating? He works the dominating topic out through the thoughts and then moves the attention to his body to find out where the puzzle originates.
It doesn’t originate here, the story itself is that part, the holding onto to it starts here. Where it is felt in the body is where we put that thing we didn’t have the tools to deal with when it presented initially, even if it is an injury. Knowing the topic and the physical location sometimes Fred straight away knows what happened, these stories come together quickly. The time the attachment started, or the event that started it, is a big part of the attachment. More puzzle pieces coming together.
The process continues. Repeats and repeats and repeats. He does it because he loves doing it, opening himself up, it is the most fun there ever has been. It is the reason he does with his body what he does. Fredriko the Spanish Gaylord, random nickname from an army mate, not Spanish or gay. Fredriko the Spanish Gaylord is just getting started.
A correction needs to be made. Fred is not learning to look after a sustainable property, it is eco certified. Definitely not sustainable. Not yet.
He tells the truth, corrects himself, does what he says. Today, not sure if there is money in the bank a challenging moment with Trina came a walking through the door. Well, Fred walked through the door. Fred did not have the information that was being asked for, pushed for. He repeated himself twice. The third time he said ‘Trina, I’m going to keep repeating myself’, he did. The next time ‘Trina, I cannot help you, this is a you thing’. That was the end of it, Fred smiled and walked back to doing the work he was.
It was a Trina thing, she worked it out, they worked it out. Trina apologised, Fred told her he accepted by saying she didn’t need to, they worked it out. It was all that mattered. They learnt to communicate a bit better. It took some time but they found a way. What more can be asked from one another?
Humans ask a lot of one another, very little of themself, this is the system of the world as it is. Freddy opposed the system. Didn’t oppose the government, institutions, the famous, the rich, the powerful, none of them. Until he did. Until he did, when he did he had a reason to, knew what he was talking about and why it mattered to speak.
He opposed the system of shifting his blame to everyone and everything else, he took it on instead. Started to look at it from a perspective of what is this doing to me, what am I doing to me. He learnt many things, has accepted many things, let go of them.
All of the topics we cover are chains that cannot be broken with any form of brute strength. They can only be broken with the love you allow yourself when you accept that you are a human being. You are who you are, the you that you are supposed to be. Your job on this earth is to experience you, but you cannot until you know you. Releasing, letting go, accepting helps you to understand this, shows you the beauty that is available to you, your perfect life.
Not the perfect life you think you want, the one you learn to know is waiting.