01 – This fucking place
Colac, this place, this fucking place. This beautiful, tragic, community focused, lonely, racist, discriminative, love filled, abandoned, lost, broken, hopeful place.
Freddy didn’t have a great time of things growing up in this place. Dominated by the macho, by football and sport, absolutely dominated by racism and all of the unsociable behaviours that come with a town on a major highway route that has been neglected by those who need to be better.
It’s still neglected, more so than ever. It’s still beautiful, more so than ever.
The place is a ghost town when it never was. Unlike other towns the Narrator has described in similar terms Fred does not know their background, has not lived them, Colac however he has. It was never full of ghosts, now it is. The shops, the cafes, the pubs, so many closed, so many without any customers, so many selling and closing their doors. Once upon a time, almost all doors were open, not the case now.
02 – Practice
Frederick loves coming home, particularly this time when no intention to be here was the driving force. It’s a last option so to speak, well not really, it is more practice for when Frederick commences the real conversations with the family part of La Familia.
Fred did not waste a second after ending up at his mate Doug’s house, immediately set to work. It’s not really a surprise though, Fred’s whole life is work, nothing but work. His relationships, including those of intimacy, are work, everything is work. Beautiful work where Fred continues to explore his questions, why am I the way that I am? What is We?
Simple questions with simple answers, simple answers that come with great difficulty to explore. No more difficult place than Colac to do this exploring.
Fred arrived at Doug’s last week, Real Conversation 05 highlights this journey and how it panned out, it’ll be published much later. Colac is practice for the conversations with the biological family, Real Conversation 05 is dependant on Real Conversation 06, it just started a little earlier.
A bit of a panning out exploration, the starting point was nothing, a back pack and nothing else. Returning to Australia upgraded to a car, this was home for three months. Fred needed stability, Mount Barney Lodge came along, four months in a caravan and an income. Evicted, ejected, released from his employment, homeless, well for about four days anyway.
Fred needed to do things different, hence he came home to Colac. How is it different? Simply, Fred has been saying yes to every opportunity to learn himself for years and years, never being in the familiar, all part of his university, learning this life through experience. So different is the change that it is completely familiar, familiarly different in every way from the life Freddy has lived.
He is now in what used to be a shed, converted into a two bedroom house with an office. The office could be a third bedroom but it is locked up, the owners have asked to leave it so. Dougy has not entered it in the year or two he has been there.
He lived in a different shed once, at his sister’s place, she didn’t make him. Her and her husband had two bedrooms, next to each other, with ultra thin walls, was not ideal. He moved to the shed by choice, his own suggestion, set up a bed, a couch and a television. There wasn’t room for anything else, it was a shed, with tools, garden equipment, stuff being stored. Many made a joke out of it, Fred loved it, had his own space, simple man.
Fred is sleeping in front of the fire, the person in the second bedroom is not there. She up and left not long ago to look after herself for a bit, there was space for Fred to stay a few days. Last night she sent a message to Doug to tell him she is moving out when she is done doing what she is. Backpack, car, caravan, homeless, secure accommodation that looks and feels like a house. This is the current trajectory of Fred’s life aligning with the Fred that Fred wants to be. Baby steps are building, building, building, it won’t stop until Fred is done.
The new place is phenomenal, really phenomenal. It is basically Mount Barney on a small scale. Fred told Dougy what he needed to, ‘Doug, if I’m staying here for a bit I’ll be doing my work, it’s all I do, I will be bringing people here to explore themselves with psychedelics’. No stress Fred, do whatever you have to do.
Fred immediately set to doing the things that need to be done, setting up a healing space, what will become a beautiful example for other healing spaces.
Practice for his major project.
03 – Douglas
Fred has had lots of practice with his work but nothing like this, this is intensive and constant. In a week the changes are miraculous.
Colac is a difficult place, it is full of social issues, social issue after social issue after social issue. It’s a sad and tough town. Sadder and tougher than ever before with the declining of the town community, the thing Fred always loved and missed. It’s gone, really gone.
Fred needs to prove his way is the way, why not start where people knew him, lots of people knew him, people who will be able to give him the feedback required to answer part of his current question, crazy or right. Fred knows the answer but now it is up to you to know it too.
Fred has enough cash to stay in Australia for another six to eight months. Should it get low the car will be sold and he’ll be off to somewhere cheap to continue what he is doing, extend his time as much as possible. When he runs out of cash that is it for him, he knows he can live solo in the bush, fend for himself, see through his days existing off the land but it isn’t what he wants. It’s a shit life to him.
When Fred runs out of money he will take his last breath and move on, he’s happy with the life he has lived, what he has found. Because the rest of the world isn’t ready for it just yet does not mean it won’t be one day. All the information to freedom is available, how to use psychedelics for healing is available, how to heal without anything but a bit of willpower is available. Fred has done his job, doesn’t need to see it become successful. His life is a thing of beauty Fred never thought available to men like him, he knows it is, it is available to everyone. Content, living for the sake of living is not necessary anymore.
In the next couple of years he will work his arse off to make this work, extend his days through the support of those he supports. Ultimately he wants to live to 69, but if he doesn’t get that far doesn’t give a shit. Fred has tried, really tried, his life is and was not meaningless. Again, content.
Fred loves people, believe it or not, and knows they are the solution to every problem, after all they are the problem to every problem. He wants them to know this so he can see what it is like to have a proper open free relationship, any form of relationship, just so he can know others are willing to try.
This is where Douglas comes in. Fred and Doug have always been great mates. Douggies mental health struggle has been real, it gets more and more real every time they meet. Fred has offered support and medicine experiences for years now, Doug never ready to take the plunge. Most of the insecurities Doug is facing in this step are the ignorant views of the people around him, especially a couple of other people from the friend group who are cowards, real cowards, weak men, men Fred loves and will be there to support too should they wake up to their harmful ways just a little bit.
Dougy’s mental health gets worse every time they meet, Fred he really is sick of this shit.
This shit, doing the same rubbish over and over and over expecting different results, the absolute definition of crazy, or just being dumbshits. The over and over again is listening to the same people are afraid of losing this man in their life, people just trying to keep him breathing, all the while their brother and friend gets more and more lost, more imprisoned, closer to an early grave without living a day in his life.
Fred ran into Dougy by chance kind of, that’s how it all started.
In a week, two mushroom experiences and one ketamine changes are phenomenal in Doug. Just phenomenal.
When Doug saw Fred he took a step back, knew it was Fred but didn’t too, Fred is looking fantastic, presenting fantastic, is confident completely in himself. Doug was not, the lines on his eyes and then the words out of his mouth. The repetition of rhetoric that started when they were kids, got worse every time, until now when it is all there is. Repetition of discussing what others are doing, and not understanding it in myself.
The blame game was strong in this one.
Doug’s not living. Working, breathing, sleeping, eating, repeat. This is not living, it is not life. Doug is embroiled in his own story and narrative which is an absolute load of shit. Been made this load of shit by the people he surrounds himself with, the advice coming and going, the advice which really is just a bunch of spades being handed out to dig the hole of isolation as deep as it can be dug.
Two mushroom experiences, one ketamine and a bloke that will not feed Doug’s self-limiting and depressing narrative. A mate who is really a mate, a mate who will tell the truth to another mate who is really a mate. A bloke that will open a door to a man everyone around him is saying is gone. Doug he is worth the effort, this is the kind of man that can do beautiful things to influence other men but only once he starts to influence himself.
One week and the changes are ridiculous. The repetitive narrative is almost gone. Doug is eating, sleeping, talking more confidently, learning to trust another person has his best interests in heart. He is actually starting to heal, finally this wonderful man is starting to find healing.
04- Proof
Douglas is Fred’s first proof to show this town what he has to show. Fred is also that but the town won’t see that until it sees it in its favourite sons and daughters, or those that will become as such.
When Douglas is healed enough and actively integrating into the town again, walking with his head high, holding his posture strong, being clear in his words and intentions, this will do. It’s the start, the town won’t come to him but others that see the change in Doug will, it’s how change starts. One step at a time.
Doug is proof, then whoever comes next is the next proof and so on until Fred’s method of freedom and healing is indisputable in this beautifully ugly town.
05 – Difficult to watch
There have been a couple of interesting moments, but one is important. Doug’s folks are away and they have people housesitting for a while. This is where Fred pulled up as Doug was leaving, its where they met. The lady housesitting was year under Fred in school, Fred knew the face but couldn’t place it, it wasn’t Doug’s sister, it threw Fred a little. They worked it out.
For whatever reason the lady looked Fred up and found Chapter 31 – Eviction. She mentioned to Doug it was difficult to watch, it’s the point. This rubbish is not supposed to be easy for you to watch or to read, it is designed to break through all of your judgements and discriminations, it is designed to show you what you are. It is hard.
If you think, Reader, it is difficult for you remember to spare a thought for the person writing and recording, sharing the most intimate and secretive details of his life to the whole world, keeping nothing inside and unsaid. Fred knows his writing and recording play a huge part in his isolation, he knows people will be embarrassed and find it difficult to relate. He knows some of the potential outcomes are horrific, after all Fred has directly witnessed some of the most awful shit people do to people. Fred is leaving himself open to all the awful, keeping his hands in his pockets and never lifting one in defence throughout.
So, remember, when it is difficult for you spare that thought for the bloke behind the words who desires nothing but anonymity and a quiet peaceful life without any attention. Desires nothing but knows that removing violence from his world is significantly more important and necessary than his own wants and dreams. Putting safety of others wel before his own desire of a peaceful quiet life.
Spare a couple of thoughts.
06 – Rumours
The rumour capital, a haven of gossip, this is what Colac is. It’s why Fred is here, you people are disgusting to one another with your words that make someone dismiss and isolate another, use violence, without even talking to them. Only cowards do this shit. Fred, come and talk to him, find out for yourself. St. Nick, the Narrator talks directly to you here bud, Red you’re welcome too, the hell with it, all of you weak cunts.
Oh, you lift a hand in violence at any time both Fred and you will know Fred is right. As will any bystanders. Only cowards are violent, only violent people are cowards, the two are dependant on one another.
The capital yes, based on some pretty good evidence. Freddy isn’t too sure of how many places he has lived, or visited for long enough to hear the town talk. No town, anywhere in the world, compares to this place in his experience. This is how Fred gets attention, using the most disgusting of disgusting things and turning it into something less disgusting.
Through talking to this bloke you’ll understand none of the rumours were true, that you put another person’s life, a good person’s life, at the mercy of your words, what you thought and believed to be true when none of it was. When you have not interacted with your victim in any way. This is the definintion of gossip, it needs to be understood so one can understand what they are really doing to the world because of it.
People have been destroyed in this town. Livelihoods taken away, forced to move, been bashed to within an inch of their lives because of gossip. Lies. Words you heard or read from someone else about another person, none of your words based on your experience. This is what this town has done, is still doing, it needs to be fixed. At least given attention to, it is now, done.
Discrimination, holy moly, another one. Dougy, he has never been one to discriminate, has always tried not to. He does in bits and pieces but tries not to, it is all that it takes to fix this thing too. Trying to be better, safer, it’s all that matters. He’s a beautiful man.
Fred and Doug laughed last night, from the outside looking in they have nothing to offer the opposite sex, this is pretty clear. However, these two men try not to discriminate, try not to force the way they think things should be onto another person, get it wrong sometimes. They let everyone be who they are, to the best of their ability anyway. Control is gone in these situations, force is not needed, freedom to be who you are is available. You don’t need to be anyone but who you are with men like this. They are the safe version of men, the real version of the strong man prototype desired.
Sadly, most are just too ignorant to see this. But, the world gives you all the examples you need as to what the stereotypical strong man stands for. Look everywhere, the world as a whole, this is what is created by this numskull.
It’s the reason Fred wants women to lead, surely they can’t be as dimwitted as the men who stood in their place previously. We’ll never know until it happens however, pretty sure things can’t get much worse. They are so fucking bad, so really really bad, that this idiot is the one smashing away on the keyboard trying to fix this shit. What a dumbfuck world.
Fred wants a less dumbfuck world, in his experience, as a whole, women are less dumbfuck’s than men, so why not give it a shot? Put the baton in their hands, they might know what to do with it, it’ll at least go in their vaginas instead of their arseholes. Maybe a bit of both, but definitely a hell of lot less arsehole’s involved, Fred knows this for sure.
Dougy, he still has some work to do but he could do with a root. Same with Fred, both instances.
07 – The beautiful things
Colac, it is one of the beautiful things, one of many beautiful things, it is beautiful beautiful little town. The Botanical Gardens, the lake, another park in Elliminyt, great walking tracks, the Memorial Square, all beautiful. The town itself is very beautiful with the exception of the central shopping district. A bit more activation of these spaces wouldn’t go astray, Fred’s got some ideas but can’t be bothered typing them out.
He’s pretty stoned.
He has privacy, in a house, with a fire, sitting on a sofa, writing all the shit in his head down. There is food cooking in an air fryer. Yeah, what fred is doing is another of the beautiful things.
This book, it is what it is, Fred’s unsaid shit, his journal. It is what a journal is, write all the shit in your head down. Fred does his a little differently, clearly does not put it under lock and key, very obvious secrets are no good to him, so he puts it out for the whole world to read. Just like his words, no point writing it down if he isn’t willing to share it with the world, anything else is wasted words, wasted effort. It is doing and achieving nothing.
The pool gym is great too, and relatively well priced, after a not so great start the coffee is improving as Fred explores more cafes, there is a bulk health food shop here, everything one could need. It’s a simple place that has simply been neglected. It has potential, depending who is at the head of that potential, and the people around them of course.
08 – Aussie Man
Aussie Man, the stereotype, it’s harmful. There is another version however that is not harmful. It’s the Aussie Man that reaches out to a 17 year old boy and plays a massive part in the moment that Aussie Boy makes a decision to live.
Frederick got himself in a terrible relationship, age 27 or so. It ended horribly, Fred working out a way to end his horrible life without inconveniencing and putting others in danger. He was done. Clearly the mind has changed, moments like this made it possible.
Freddy was a mess in the final year at school, age 17. His mates and footy, these things were the most beautiful of things at a time when there weren’t many beautiful things. He was confused about everything, he was afraid of all men, he’d seen enough of this thing, he was one of them, has the same name as the one doing most of the abusing, confusing.
Most of the friend group played footy together, including boys from other schools, everyone was friends in one way or another before the team came together. It was a special year for the Colac Footy Club too, they were changing to play in a different league the next year, wanted to leave their final mark on the Hampden Footy League first.
The seniors and under 18s were strong, the under 18 team the only one strong enough out of the two to really compete for the champion title. Compete they did, won the Grand Final against exceptional opposition in their home town. A bunch of mates had a really great time playing football together one final time, left Colac’s mark in the process.
Freddy played really well, didn’t get an award, didn’t care. Until his mate’s stopped the coach moving onto other things, handed him another award, it was for Fred. Fred’s major experience with men was abuse, in all forms, never did one stand up for him, or really notice him, now all of a sudden they did and did it in front of a room packed full of people.
Fred rang the bloke a day later, he was nervous, voice shaking, mumbling. Called, the wife answers, It’s Frederick Nortje is your husband there? ‘Yes, I’ll get him.’ Frederick is almost pissing his pants nervous, hears the husband say in the background, what does he want? Fred wants to pull out, he doesn’t. He thanked the man for the award, and said that he didn’t have the words to say how much it meant to him. He didn’t, still doesn’t.
The only thing he was given in return was love and a man who knew a boy was in a life of pain that he should not have been, he didn’t deserve at 17 years of age.
Fred not only didn’t end his life he is still fighting for it because of moments like this, a man like this. Just a man that gave enough of a shit to correct something that needed correcting, in the process correcting some of the terrible shit that needed correcting in Fred’s life. Fred’s lack of trust and fear towards men, towards himself.
This man died in the last couple of days but he left a huge mark on another man. Another man who is still alive, and fighting for his life, fighting for the lives of others because of an Aussie Man being who he was when he needed to be.
Thank you.
09 – The Otways
The Otway Ranges, gorgeous, a few reasons. One, it is gorgeous, two it provides a livelihood for many, three it is growing the beautiful things below in ridiculous abundance.
Psilocybe Subaeruginosa, described as a potent psychedelic mushroom. It is, however this is confusing. They are stronger compared to other mushroom varieties maybe, but they are not potent beyond understandable measure.
Key understanding with mushrooms, there are subtleties of differences between varieties and the strength changes but not to a scale where one should be concerned. The differences in strengths are barely noticeable provided one understands their relationship. With these mushroom, and all others as well as the whole psychedelic family relationship is key.
Firstly, understand your tolerance to drugs in general, alcohol, weed, painkillers, whatever else. Should there be a low tolerance with medicines take note, pay attention. Fred starts most people off on their psychedelic experiences on the lower side of medium dosages, this gives a great gauge of how one is going to react, whether they are tolerant and if a person has the capacity to stay with the experiences.
Even at the lower doses it mya be too much for a first time, however it won’t be too difficult to make it through and start to understand the way the substance reacts with the individual. From here it is easy to get an understand of the dosage levels to work through.
Once there is a starting point the expansion of trust, comfort and what is necessary to open up through medicine interaction becomes available. The relationship becomes available.
Pine plantations with lots of moved earth are the places to start with, the Otways has many plantations there is no shortage of places to start looking. You’ll find these beautiful things given the right season, and the right season is now.
Wet ground, really wet ground, without being too soaked from continuous ongoing rain is perfect. Even more perfect is a few hours of nice sun to start drying the ground and creating humidity. Humidity and decaying material is a mushrooms haven. It’s what they do, pretty much all mushrooms, turn decaying organics back into soil. Environmental conditions speed this up, environmental conditions halt it.
Winter, rain, a bit of sun, the cold nights are standard growing conditions for a lot of mushrooms. There are exceptions, some types like the hot, humid and wet conditions, ultiamtely humidity is important in all cases. No humidity means no to little mushroom yield. July/August in the Otways is perfect, right now after the recent rains with a little bit of sun starting to poke through, ideal.
Moved earth which includes lots of bush debris is the place to start looking. A few reasons, one it is easy, two there is lots of food available for growth and three the turning of the soil through earthworks exposes the ground to the air, water and sun, the mycellium has its best chance to fruit into mushrooms.
Mycellium is the roots and nervoius system of a mushroom, it is an amazing thing. Mycellium builds/grows/creates an underground network which spans throughout forests, paddocks, anywhere there is life basically, possibly even the desert but the Narrator cannot confirm this. Mycellium is a communication and resource sharing tool. Trees and plants of all types communicate through the mycellium network. Older trees can send nutrients to saplings, different types of plants share excess resources among them and the mycellium is also a protection network.
When bushfire or natural disaster strikes a forest, let’s just talk to fires here, when a fire meets a forest the plant life in the forest protects itself through a number of different ways, the most simple to explain is trees, for example, will produce defensive resources to protect themselves from the incoming threat. While the trees on the outside are doing this they also, through the mycellium network, talk to other trees and plants deeper in the danger zone telling them of the threat coming, the rest of the forest pre-prepares itself from the coming fire, the forest, the whole forest works together to protect itself, survive the threat.
It’s no different to how the psilocybin works in our system. It improves a persons internal communication network, opening up areas of stuckness and sending information, in a variety of different ways, to the brain to unstick it, to learn the depths of what it means to be human. Psilocybin shows us better more effective ways to communicate with ourselves, to learn to protect ourselves in safety rather than violence.
Magic mushrooms are super duper simple to identify. Go back to the photos, one they’re beautiful, seeing them amongst other mushrooms they stand out, they look special, they want to be picked. They want to be picked and eaten, they sacrifice themselves in order to work into the greater good. The greater good being people start to understand and fix themselves, in the process starting to fix the world, make significant changes to the environment and all the shit that really is shit.
Super duper easy, look at the photos, there is one absolute telltale sign that these mushrooms are psychedlic, they are safe to consume, can you work it out?
The blue bruising, absolutely clear, beyond doubt. This bruising is synonymous with fungi that produces psilocybin, it is a mark that this is safe and it wants to be eaten. The blue comes from the psilocybin reacting with the atmosphere, oxidising the Narrator thinks it is called. This is where the bruising of the mushroom to confirm comes in. Bruising the mushroom damnages it slightly, exactly like a bruise on a person however instead of blood coming to the surface it is a different life source, psilocybin.
Bruises turn all sorts of colours on humans, but mainly red, in magic mushrooms only one colour will present, blue (can call it purple of other colour shades, it doesn’t matter). Squeeze the stem if you are not sure, wait 30 seconds (much less generally) and the evidence will present. Very simple and safe provided the picker is not a lazy picker.
Dosing is based on dry weights, so a medium dose may be 2.5 grams of dried mushroom, this will generally be somewhere around 12.5 grams of fresh mushroom. Fresh mushrooms are about 80% water, hence the extra weight. Dry dosing is the closest to accurately knowing what you are consuming without needing technical difficult processes.
Technical difficult processes, extracting the psilocybin from the fungi. This is the only was to get an accurate dosage measure of psilocybin, it is unavailable to most people hence the information about the differences in mushroom strength and dry dosages. So, pay attention to your relationship and build it, do not expect one type of mushroom to be the same as another, new type of mushroom, new relationship, start again.
That’s the basics on mushroom foraging, it’s beautiful, phenomenally beautiful in a place like the Otways. Head out on your own or get in contact with Fred, he’ll take you on a discovery session, a discovery session you will not forget.
10 – Darts
Darts, not the cancer sticks this time, the little spears one throws at a circular board. Fred gets rid of just about everything he does not use with some regularity, his darts are an exception to this rule.
Has been travelling in some form or another for 2.5 years now, the only item of entertainment besides books he started with was a set of darts which he actually bought after leaving Darwin. Every town he stayed in one of the first items on the explore agenda was a darts competition. Played a few times the first year of camping up and down the Great Dividing Range and considered taking them on the world trip but decided against it in the end. Probably not practical to carry darts on a plane with only carry on luggage anyway. Still, kept them when he usually would have given them away.
It’s a great sport darts.
It brought Fred and his best mate, Choppy, together, it’s how they met.
Choppy was the first mate Fred chose, the first darts night they both attended it was clear they were destined to become best mates, for a time or all time it didn’t matter. They were what each other needed when they needed it.
By chose, Fred chose everything about this scenario, he wanted to play darts for himself, the first thing he really did just for him. Football, cricket, school, athletics, the small country town he lived, existing in spaces everyone existed in. His friends came from socially standardised scenarios as chosen by his parents rather than him. Darts and Choppy were Fred’s choices, it’s what makes both of these things special.
Fred is excited to play darts tonight, possibly his favourite sport he admitted to Choppy while Choppy was wiping the floor with Fred last night. 6-1 the final score, but, Fred is encouraged. Hadn’t threw the darts in 20 or so months and had three games where he had an opportunity to hit the final double, won a game against a bloke that chucked 111 180’s in 2023, only up to 57 this year. Fred has thrown two in his life.
The first one was in his bedroom playing darts with none other than this villain, who is no villain at all, Choppy. The third dart threatened to fall out of the board, Fred ran up grabbed his darts and celebrated like a moron, it was awesome. Darts rule, get your darts before they fall out of the board the score is good, the moment they drop the score is void.
Choppy and Fred have always been pretty similar in skill when it comes to darts, Choppy a little ahead but not too far. The 180’s aren’t the only reflection of a good darts player, it’s your overall three dart average that matters, this includes pegging out. Fred and Choppy’s averages have always been pretty good, and close to one another, Fred’s strength is generally pegging out, where Choppy’s is hitting serious scores over and over again to get to that point.
The two have been similar in skill in every sport they had a common interest in, AFL and Cricket, very similar when kids but AFL Fred has Choppy covered these days. Having said that, the Narrator won’t open up the discussion about cutting wood here, anyone who knows Chop knows he is pretty handy with an axe in his hands.
It was phenomenal to watch how good this bloke was at wood chopping. At 16 destroying men twice his size and weight in competitions while handicapped by starting up to 45 seconds, even longer, after them. Wiping his axe clean while they continue to chop away. The Narrator isn’t talking old fat men who’s only exercise is drinking beer and loading the fire with more wood, talking men here, strong, really strong men. Ridiculously good athlete.
Choppy is a bit misunderstood, very misunderstood actually. His experiences and Fred’s were similar, horrible in the same ways and different ways. Fred never had to witness and watch some things, things that Choppy did, how Choppy did not end up being and doing those things himself is a miracle, just like Fred. Against all odds Choppy is a significantly safer version of the example he had growing up too.
The really hard part for a man like Chop is the difference between his experience and Fred’s in their youth. Fred has thought hard, really really really hard, searched the depths of his being to find one good quality about his father, literally and seriously one good quality. He has not found one. Choppy’s Dad was a beautiful man most of the time, a not beautiful man some of the time.
Chop’s Dad cared, loved, tried, supported, and had an awesome sense of humour. He was great to be around, most of the time it was comfortable, Fred fortunately didn’t witness the times it wasn’t. Choppy did. Choppy witnessed it, domestic violence, over and over and over again, he was the victim of it before he was physically the victim of it.
His primary example of a man is both beautiful and horrible, Fred’s was just horrible. How difficult the conflict must have been, still be for Freddy’s great mate.
Choppy will be mentioned more in this conversation which may just be a book on its own, this is the introduction, it’s clear these two are going to be spending a bit of time together. It’s been a while since they really have, 18 or 19 years, something like that. Fred broke up with him, and his other best mate that he chose through his relationship with Choppy, Tom.
Tom, a man mountain, absolute mountain of a man, very misunderstood because of it. These three were great together and for each other, all misunderstood for different ways, all of circumstance, two the home, one a bit of a freak of biology given his parents do not account for his stature and he towered over everyone in this town since he was 14 or 15, even younger maybe.
Together they just had great times, the best of times, being who they were together was enough, there was no pressure. Fred lost all the wrestles, Tom won them all, and Tom and Fred both were able to communicate with Choppy when he started to take the fun fighting to unfun levels. Fred through telling him in multiple ways, some times cracking the shits that it is going too far, and Tom just giving him the look that if you keep going it is very likely I was crush your skull with nothing but my left hand. It helped Choppy both experience the stuff he needed to explore and control it, after all he chose these friends too.
The three would go on annual camping trips, they were awesome, Freddy looked forward to them. Truthfully looked forward to them, not the look forward where one says they look forward to camping but in the back of the mind is hoping it is better than last year, the year before that, and all the ones before that.
Three nights usually, just drinking piss when they wanted, kicking a footy, playing cricket, fishing, making up shit to do. Not once was there ever any tension or pressure in the trips. Three men had created an environment of safety for themselves they had not known in their lives. Teaching themselves men can be better. Fantastically beautiful.
Fred’s a terrible drinker, well recoverer anyway, epic hangovers. Finds it very hard to backup. These trips he was not expected to, they’d get up, the two others would start with a beer and Fred would work himself up to it. He’d say no when offered if he wasn’t ready to drink, he was allowed to say no, it was a safe environment.
The three never got in any shit, not even a talking to by the campers next door or complaints to park managers, in fact they were pretty much the ideal holidayers, for young blokes anyway. One year they got friendly with a small group, spent the night drinking together, having a great time. There were only a few other campers at the spot, but still it was pretty loud and fun, night finished and all slept.
Woke up the next morning feeling great, had a chat to the camper mates, everyone is happy until the Ranger comes not long after. Chop, Tom and Fred sittting down by now having a beer, ranger pulls up at their mates camp and asks them to leave for noise violations. Next came over to the three young men, you guys alright? This lot didn’t bother you last night did they? Had some complaints so we’ve kicked them out.
Choppy, ‘yeah, they were pretty noisy, no respect some people’. Ranger leaves. In unison Fred, Tom and Chop burst into laughter, go over and tell the other group what just happened, group laughter, and off they went.
The last trip is when the breakup happened, invited another party, Chappy funnily enough. A man that completely broke the statis quo, the calm, the safe space. Pressured everything and everyone, abused other campers, created tension for the sake of creating tension. Fred just stopped drinking, this was shit, Chappy pressured to the point he tried to physically force Fred to comply, Fred didn’t. Didn’t drink, it was day three and Fred knew he wasn’t going to last the trip.
The most disappointing aspect however was his two mates, who were always themselves and weren’t swayed by others rubbish suddenly were. They followed Chappy, the three of them directed their shit towards another three young men at the camp ground. Chappy decided he didn’t like these blokes, made sure us three knew it, suddenly Tom and Chop didn’t like them either. Every time these guys came near they got a mouthful or some snide comments or something arather.
Then it came back in the other direction, maybe, it was Chappy’s words, hard to be trusted. Tom and Chop trusted them however and the next moment Fred’s two beautiful mates were following this moron, giving themselves up for this complete tool, following three young men into the bathroom with unsolid intentions, it was fucked, Fred didn’t even listen to the chat when they came back, still doesn’t know what happened.
Chappy still not done, Fred’s not drinking still, let’s keep the dumbfuck show going, Steals Fred’s toiletries. Fred’s just pissed and wants a shower to get some time to himself, he’s looking for a way to get out of this situation. He questioned Chappy a few times, the toiletries didn’t return, Chappy just being a wanker for the sake of being a wanker, Fred’s two good mates were still following him, they were no longer safe, Fred broke up with them, got in his car and drove the five or six hours home, stopping once for a sleep.
The guys still blame Fred’s basically 18 year absence on stolen toiletries. Fred has never been given the chance to clear the air, always gets talked over when he tries to. It makes sense though the talking over, especially Chappy, just a shit bloke, a weak man, who is full of guilt for doing shit things, this is not an isolated example.
Fred’s grateful he has a chance to spend some time with Chop again, maybe all his mates, see what can happen with their relationship when everyone is just being who they are. The Narrator is quite certain this will be further explored in the conversation continuation.
11 – Suicide
Suicide, let’s open this conversation, with everything the Narrator, Fred, has written it’s an important subject to address. Some of Fred’s words are concerning if one only pays attention to particular words rather than what is being said in totality.
It’s fair enough too, this is a sensitive topic that everybody has been subject to through either their own thoughts of ending their experience, or through people in their world that have removed their breath, their own life. Choice is important to understand here, every single thing in a person’s life is choice. Sexuality, gender, living conditions, mental health state, repetitive thought processes, violence, ignorance, every other thing is choice when the understanding of breath is understood.
Your breath, Fred’s breath, is his own choice. Fred chooses to continue living knowing full well it is his choice to end his experience. To say that it is not a choice is ignorance, is fear, it is stopping you from living your life. When a person has the freedom to choose to breathe or not, to live or not, when their very life force is a choice it means, beyond doubt, that every single aspect of a person’s life is choice. Your terrible horrible shit life is the life you choose.
This terrible horrible shit life is the life 99.9999999% of human beings are living, they, you all, might as well be dead, your life is meaningless, absolutely meaningless. Suicide comes from the desperation in this meaninglessness, the hopelessness which is simply another word for meaninglessness. Most of you are no different to the owners discussed in the Mt. Barney Lodge post, putting all your attention to things that make the world a horrible place because you/they have nothing of value to offer.
Your children are not meaning, they are an escape, it’s clear when you look, more clear when those children leave the home. Your life is nothing, it is worthless, so worthless that the only thing you call value is your children. But they’re not, you don’t value them at all, none of you do. You should not be parents. You push your wants, desires, attachments, fears, hopes and dreams onto your children simply because you were too pathetic to take the plunge to live your life for you. Instead, you push that life onto your children, stifling their ability to grow and be who they are, live their own lives, you create a world of torment in their worlds simply because you are too weak to look yourself in the mirror and take responsibility for your terrible life so you push it onto these innocent things, your victims, victims powerless to defend or stand up for themselves. Yeah parenting is not an act of self-sacrifice, it is an act of pure selfishness in this modern world.
Your unwillingness to go for a walk, understand the food you eat, the unconscious projections you put onto your children shows you don’t care for them, you solely had them for selfish reasons, to distract yourself from you. When you are fat, completely unfit, violent and your children become this way it is your fault. You say you will do anything for them but you won’t look at your obese kids and do something about it? You’re killing them and creating a life of struggle when you say you will do anything for them. You won’t, you don’t, it’s proven, you should not be a parent. Be better.
This environment, the home, is the number one cause of all anti-social beahaviour, violence (domestic violence is the most rife form of violence, it is in every home, yours too, without doubt), the imprisonment of children into a life of suffering and desperation. This desperation is what suicide is, my life is so full of pain and suffering, I have no support, it is pointless to continue hating myself so I make the only choice I know, suicide. This is suicide, it is an act of complete desperation.
When Fred talks about ending his life it is not suicide, there is no desperation. That his words cannot be read and understood, only particular words listened to is your ignorant fault, you create worry, tension and turmoil in yourself because you do not know how to listen.
Fred has made the decision to end his life, he has written it but he has also written the circumstances. The circumstances are when he is unable to live his life exactly how he wants anymore he is done. He has made a promise to himself that he will not live the shit life you all are, he will not do it, he will not hate himself ever again.
His finances as already written dumb fucks, especially number one Sarah, are his finish point. When he runs out, at this stage in the next 24 months he is done. In that 24 months however, as has already been written, Fred will do everything possible to make this thing work, extend his life for as long as he wants. Do whatever he wants for as long as he wants, then he will end his life by choice, exactly the same as if this thing does not work and he runs out what is needed to live his life exactly how he chooses.
There is no desperation, Fred absolutely loves everything about himself, his greatest love of all is himself, he has learnt this. Learnt that there is nothing more beautiful than this human life when one is willing to live it for themselves. Fred is content with the peace, love, connection, beauty, phenomenal life he has found. A life he never thought possible. Never thought it was possible to be happy, live in peace, love himself. He knows all these things are possible now for everyone, beyond doubt, it is not a belief. His life has been a thing of pure beauty, it is more than enough, this man shows and lives what it means to be happy and content, to appreciate breathing.
Suicide and not-suicide, these are the differences. Fred’s threat of taking his life is not immediate, he never thinks about it until it comes up in scenarios, where suicide is immediate desperation. The former is an act of self-love the second is not, but it is too, in a way. So, understand the difference here and we can move on to other shit.
12 – Do something about it
Yelling and screaming, Freddy has done it, does not want to do it again, but, he will. Clearly. This is a bug bare, discrimination, violence and all the rest of it start in the home, develop and expand there too. It’s a hard story to untell oneself, so much pain and suffering caused within the family environment covered up by the belief, the comment, the harm that is family is everything.
So, if Freddy is going to tell you to be better at being you and modeliing positively on your children he is going to give you a solution. This is what he does, problem solves. His solution to this problem is to do all of this same rubbish while educating people on healthy lifestyles in a normal human being way, well, almost. The Stoner Cook has been created on YouTube to address and solve this issue.
It is advertised here, Fred’s only advertising besides the back of the car. His email address, the Groundskeeper website address and potentially, soon, The Stoner Cook YouTube handle all written in paint marker on the window. His only other advertising is when he needs to correct something and links the associated story via email to those he would like to correct.
If there is anyone out there listening, reading, whatever and finds value in what Fred is doing, the Narrator is writing, and you can’t afford to support him another way this is the very best thing you can do for him. It’s the best thing you can do anyway, sharing a message of a bloke teaching people about living safer is significantly more significant than a monetary donation.
13 – The dumb things
There are so many dumb things in this world, so so many dumb things. Colac is a great place to explore, Fred knows this place does many of those dumb things.
To write about every dumb thing would be dumb, boring and time consuming. If this book is going to finish in 52 chapters so are all the conversations, within 52 chapters, may not need to go all the way. Colac, it’ll go all the way, this place is fucking dumb, Fred is going to get himself lots of examples. Already has a few.
Fred is the funniest of people.
To himself.
He is going to name and shame every single one of you without naming and shaming you at all, you’ll know it is you, others may too, but to admit it is you is what is required to address the matter with Fredriko the Spanish Fucking Gaylord directly. Thanks Ben for that one, an old army mate and I do speak Spanish, have fucked a man, not entirely untrue.
The dumb thing here is the South Colac Football Club.
First things first, the below is the body of a 41 year old who gives a fuck about himself. It is not for erotic purposes, all though you can use it however you want, Fred does not care. The one thing he knows about it, it is clearly appealing, Grindr went quite crazy when it was his profile picture. Still, not crazy with the people Fred is crazy about, so no progression.
Back to South Colac.
Fred played here 10 years ago, first game five goals, second game injured, came back before he was recovered, played well enough, a few more games and a season ending injury. He showed this club he was a very good footballer. He was 31, he was still afraid of men.
He is now 41 and clearly from a physical perspective this is not a barrier. He knows beyond doubt that were he to take the field this year he would add incredible footballing value to their lineup. Particularly being 193cm, 84kg, fast, fit, athletic and playing most of his senior football in one of the most difficult positions to play, Centre Half Forward. He excelled at it.
He is not nearly as big or strong as others in the same position, his hands when marking a ball aren’t as sure, but he has three things that not many others do; an incredible work ethic, a love for pushing his body and he plays football purely for fun.
He excels through running people into the ground, getting to every contest, encouraging himself and others, being okay to get things wrong/make mistakes and just giving everything he does a red hot go. He doesn’t drop his head when things aren’t going his way, he might take a trip into the changerooms to vent but he’ll return, he’ll vent if you coward punch him in the back of the head, he’ll vent alone, return and reset. A man that does his best not to participate in violence but chooses a sport full of violence accepts the risks, but he won’t participate in it, he won’t violate your world, his attackers world, as his attacker violates his. This is another way he fights wars through kindness. This is the shit that comes with Fred engaging in a football club/any environment. Dougy will confirm Fred’s words.
Six weeks to go in the current season, Fred is living very close to the club, it made sense to play there. It didn’t eventuate, there were only two scenarios in which this non-eventuation occured, either discrimination or laziness, they’re both the same really.
The lady at the house he rocked up at first in Colac, she has ties to this club, very close ties through family, participation and friends running the club around the same age. She has seen Fred’s rubbish, it was difficult to watch. This is where whatever has started has started resulting in Fred not playing footy this year.
At the funeral the other day, Fred sat next to her Aunty. They chatted, smiled and laughed. They were comfortable together, her Aunty did not have any stories about Fred in her head, she felt comfortable with him. As did Pat, beautiful woman. Gossip did not get in the way.
Fred’s pretty chuffed to be honest, the last two weeks were horrible conditions to play footy, particularly for a bigger bloke who hasn’t touched a football for about two years and four months (the last time he kicked the ball around with his nephews, the last time he saw them). Still, a couple of games of conditioning and Fred would have dominated the field like never before, and he has dominated some fields. The first game for South is an example, five goals and one behind Fred kicked. The rest of the team kicked one behind. He can play.
He knows he will be better than ever for one simple simple fact, he is no longer afraid of anything, with the exception of smoking DMT. Men he has absolutely no concern about, being punched no concern about, called an old man, berated for his writing and YouTube, not afraid of any of it. Clearly not afraid of anything in this town, it is indisputable that he is making himself public enemy number one and open to all associated results simply through telling the truth, it’ll be hard for you to justify any of your potential actions.
South Colac, they could have used him, may have made a big difference to their premiership push. They needed something, they are well behind Alvie and Lorne, all teams are.
Fred would love to play for Alvie again but this year he would not have considered it. The first thing Freddy did when he decided to have a run around was look at the league ladder, the percentages mostly. Alvie they did not need to be strengthened any further, being so good you are unbeatable is not winning, is not a champion. Being challenged and challenged and winning, this is a champion.
A champion is a man, or a woman, that under every single circumstance wants the opponent to do well, wants every one of the best players on the field, a champion wants to test themselves against the very best there is, the challenge is the motivation, not the reward. Winning under these circumstances the reward is worth the challenge, any other circumstance it’s simply an award, a piece of paper or metal that means nothing.
Injured players is a massive one for Fred, he has been injured a lot himself. The weakest of weak responses shits him to tears, yeah, it’s great, really good for us going into this Grand Final their best two players are out injured. Coward shit rubbish this. This is not a champions approach to winning. Next step, since they have one more really good player we’ll take that person out on the field, really weaken them, this is the shit many country clubs do, Taddy does, coaches promote, Taddy was a coach too. It’s fucked, no wonder parents don’t want kids playing football.
Fred might be wrong here about his information that will make it hard to deny the discrimination, gossip and/or laziness that will result in them not being competitive come finals but he is confident enough. Likely exit will be week one unless they sneak into third position, with Fred they would have got to week two regardless. Next year, who knows?
There might be a next year but if there is Fred will finish his footy days at Alvie, he’ll get himself fit (yeah fit, his body is in maintenance mode at the moment, hasn’t been for a run for five or six months) and give back to the club whom besides Frederick himself and his mother he owes his life to.
Fred loves this place with all his heart. It was a refuge of safety for young men and boys when Fred was a kid. The men gave a shit about each other, they really cared for everyone coming through. There were men at the club that knew things were not right in this boys life, they did their best to support him.
Fred stole from the club a few times, he did his best to pay everything back, he hasn’t, he will. He stole yet he wasn’t kicked out, he was given another opportunity, and then another, and then one more. The club trusted Fred would do better, he did.
This trust was the catalyst in Fred’s healing pathways, it was what allowed him to run into his fears in the first place, playing senior football in this really undisciplined league. Only the previous year before making his debut at 16, maybe the one before that, his club Alvie was in a massive brawl, including spectators, against Winchelsea, scars and bruises and marks remained at training. Frightened the hell out of Frederick, was hard for him to continue playing football, but he did.
He was able to face his fear, start to face it only because he trusted the club, they supported him like they said they would, did what they said they would do, it was all he needed. The first game too, it was a challenge, a big big challenge. Versus Apollo Bay, 2nd versus 3rd, or 3rd versus 4th. Doesn’t matter, what matters is the only team bigger and more scary than these guys in physicality and reputation were Lorne, if Fred was running into this thing the world was making sure he was ready, he was.
Played Juniors first that day, dominated, dominated the whole competition that year. The team ended bottom, won one game, Fred and his little brother got to play together in one win, one magical win. Second last game of the year after being thumped all year by everyone except for one draw, a game that was called off at half time. Fred accidentally collected his opponent in the head in a ruck contest, the young man was severely knocked out, serious concern. It was a Hay, a differnt Hay brothers to the ones mentioned previously. This one, ha, threw a knife at Fred one day, but, it wasn’t retaliation, Fred doesn’t and never does that rubbish. This bloke is actually a decent guy who tries his best, this Hay brother, just had a fucking tough time thrown on him too. May even have been one of the boys in the shed smoking cannabis that day.
Fred would have played seniors much earlier but the junior team would have suffered considerably. The team came dead last, Fred fourth or fifth in the league best and fairest anyway. Even, given the margins in some of the games Fred got votes it would be a difficult argument to have that he did not deserve them. Because, people, a margin is not all there is, there were games that the Alvie under 17s lost by 100 points, if Fred wasn’t playing it would have been 150, he was that big of a difference. Nobody will argue.
It was a kindness by the club to everyone in that team whether this was the clubs intention or not. The team was young, really young, full of young boys from isolated farming environments, they needed this, they needed football, they needed to enjoy it. Amongst all the floggings they did, and they did because the right thing to do was done regardless of motivation. Some of those boys went on to be fantastic sports people, more importantly just great people, some were just able to feel safe and supported for a few hours a week, the club has been a significant positive influence on many. It could do this because it did its best not to discriminate.
The year after Fred digressed in his football, his potential was clear but he didn’t get near it, in under 18s the boys started looking like men. Fred’s direct opponent especially, Fred was playing in the ruck at this time, the position that the biggest player on the team, well tallest, is generally handed. Fred was bloody good at it too until all of his opponents looked like men, this is when he made the change for himself into the forward line. Still big men but no longer had to run straight into them in almost every contest.
Fred was bloody skinny too, ruck wasn’t the right position for him, still is bloody skinny, ruck still is not the position.
Back to the debut, Fred played really really well, only played the second half, kicked two goals, great start. Played the next week, first week of the finals against the same team, so this time with the emotion of the final, he struggled. Tried to play one more game the following year, he wasn’t ready, so as has already been mentioned got to play with his mates and have a bloody good time.
Should Fred still be here next year he’ll play for Alvie, see if he can give back what he owes them, but more importantly give back to the club what it gave to him, his health, his life.
Oh, South Colac, here is the information regarding the transfer of interstate players who have not been registered in two seasons or more, not word for word, word for word enough. The June 30 timeline for transfers does not apply to interstate players who have not been registered for more than two seasons, these transfers can apply at any time.
It’s too late now though, three games to go, can’t qualify for finals. Besides, got mushrooms to pick, all the rain you guys have been running around a field under is fantastic picking conditions.
Potential, let’s finish with this. Fred could have been anything on the football field, anything at all, there is a bloke from Alvie that almost every time when he runs into Fred repeats the same words, absolute waste of footy potential you were Fred. He is not the only one to have said similar words. Fred’s barrier to reaching his potential wasn’t laziness, a lack of care or any other reason. Fred’s barrier to reaching his potential was his fear of men. A fear created, developed and expanded in a home environment in which the man that Fred looked like, was compared to, expected to live up to, has the same name as abused, battered and tortured three boys and girl. Add a woman to that one too.
Fred’s mate, the funeral was his Dad’s this mate, Yob. His family have done more in Fred’s life than they can possibly know, simply by being who they are, stable. They are a phenomenally beautiful family, in manner and appearance. Yob was always confident, never afraid of men, he had and has a humility to him, one that comes and goes, mainly comes. Yob doesn’t have the athletic attributes of Fred, not as fast, tall, can’t leap (well can, it’s proven, but rare), but he excelled well beyond Fred, he reached pretty close to his potential. He was able to do this because of the stability of his home, it did not make him afraid of everything he encountered.
This is the importance of a stable home environment.
So, Fred reckons, next year, should he play, he’ll get pretty damn close to his potential, 42 and all.
14 – Massage
Fred’s sitting at a cafe somewhat across from a Thai Massage place, now he doesn’t know anything about this one but has been told another in Colac, maybe more than one other are not necessarily healing or relaxation massage, all though they are too.
Freddy’s not bad at massaging, has advanced certification in it and all, certification means nothing but he has it. It was the pathway into University he chose. Wanted to be a physio since he was a kid and Canberra had a great way back into study after a long hiatues. Fred was 26 or 27 when he went back to school.
He didn’t finished the physio degree changed not long into the official physio course to complete a health science degree instead. Many reasons, two are key, one is a bit of a joke and the other is the clearer truth.
The joke is he changed course because he didn’t like touching people or being touched, this was true, there is plenty of reason for it but it was only a very small part of the reason. The main reason was how ridiculously pathetically lazy people are. Fred would do the manual work during the massage sessions, have regular people come in that he would work with over and over, gave them simple and non-timing consuming exercises to go away and do in between coming back.
People would lie on the table talking about how much this thing, injury or whatever, is holding them back and they can’t live their life because of it, they are desperate and will do anything to be healthy again. But, fucking morons are speaking out their arse, they won’t do anything, just lazy as hell expecting others to fix them, same as you all basically. Would not even do the five minutes of exercises three times a week in between visits they were given, exercises that would have made a massive difference. Fred was going to start ripping through his clients for being the laziest of lazy, every single one of them, and for wasting his time. People are shit, this is why he didn’t continue or pursue massage at all post course.
School. Hated this thing, fucking hated it, school the worst thing he has ever done without comparison. Alvie Primary School bloody good, Colac High School and all the staff, just about all the staff, one or two exceptions, all terrible. Teachers leading young people yet they are terrible, anyway not the point, Fred will get absolutely stuck into this lot before this chapter is over but it isn’t time yet.
The Narrator wants to make sure you know what is coming, he said he will get stuck into every person in this town, with a massive emphasis on the ones that need to be better. Fred does not lie, he does what he says, make sure you understand this.
These are some of the names that are going to be given some love and attention, all though you will not understand the love until you do. Anyway the names, Pike, Holland, Melross (primary school one this one), Drew, McGoldrick, Deny, and a whole bunch of others, these are just the names that are recalled quickly just now. You were all terrible, probably still are, hence the necessity to bring attention to this terrible, you are after all influencing young people when you have no business doing such. We’ll return to this in time.
There are a couple more names too, both already mentioned, St. Nick and Red, two Fred’s best mates. One is a teacher, has no business being one, both are parents, both have no business in this either. These two men’s lives are going to be destroyed by the Narrator in this conversation, absolutely destroyed, they will then be built back up to what they need to be.
St. Nick and Red I’m coming for you two, it’s not going to be fun but it’s going to be a hell of a lot of fun at the same time.
Back to massage, but it isn’t about massage, it is about prostitution, more so to help you understand that you are no different to the prostitutes you degrade and treat horribly. You do this because you are one of them.
Prostitution, Fred has given it a go, more than once, again one experience is not enough to understand this thing. The primary thing he came to understand about prostitution is that there is no intimacy in a service. The payment, money or whatever else, removes the intimacy from the activity, it’s a trade, a service.
There is nothing wrong with prostitution, nothing at all, in fact it is one of the safest ways to experience your own body and the things you are interested in trying. The great thing is you can really talk to these people about the shit that is in your head that you want to try and they will discuss it openly with you, mostly. Together you will find a way to experience whatever you want to experience without shame or being belittled for wanting to understanding yourself, and why you are the way that you are.
Prostitution is safe, particularly in Australia provided you utilise the legitimate services, the non-legitimate are often abusing, significantly abusing the women and men who are engaged in the industry. There is nothing wrong with it besides this, there is abuse in all industries but this one has the most terrible abuse of all. Forcing people into slavery and using their own body for the payment to get themselves out of that slavery, it is fucking difficult, disgusting. Fred doesn’t know this difficulty, he has only read about it and talked to others who do have experience, but he knows it enough, so does everyone.
You are a prostitute too, you give yourself up over and over and over again, you use your body as a transaction, you let your partner have sex with you when they have met your specific criteria. This criteria is payment, this criteria is prostitution, you are a prostitute, no wonder you attack the officially employed in the industry. You’re ashamed and embarrassed by your own actions, no need to be.
Expectations of buying dinner, drinks, entertainment, taking me to this and that, satisfying my wants/cravings/attachments and then you can have my body. If you’re not ignorant you will see immediately this is no different than expecting someone to give you cash before you have sex with them, it is the same as prostitution, it is an accepted form even though it is still technically not a legal version. Ignorance, it is what it is, I see what I want to see instead of how things actually are.
Everybody reading this the Narrator can guarantee you are an unofficial prostitute, women, men and its. Freddy boy included, well not anymore, once upon a time.
Fred still is however, a bit differently but he has expectations. The expectation is that you will accept him for him and he will accept you for you. He will not waste his time with you if you are not being yourself, simply just doing everything you do to fit in with others/be accepted/loved, basically if you’re a moron. This is all of you. A big reason it is hard for Fred to get himself an intimate partner is because he he doesn’t care what you want from him, he won’t give himself up for anything, he is no longer a hooker, a whore. You are. You give yourself up for it all.
He doesn’t expect you to be as advanced in this process as he is, all he gives a shit about is that you are trying, trying not to be an everyday whore. You’re trying, it is enough, you are one of the very few who are. This is the value Fred wants in all his relationships, everyone being or trying to be who they are, no longer selling themselves to get what they think they want, no longer destroying the world through ignorance.
Prostitution, you just want a root, do this, honestly do this. Significantly cheaper than a night out on the piss, dancing, eating, entertaining, getting absolutely smashed. 2am in the morning finally one party, or both parties have satisfied one another, bought one another, go home, terrible sex, wake up with a hangover and a pocket that is $500 lighter. Particularly men. A women’s purse will barely be lighter at all. One paying for a service, the other being paid, prostitution.
Oh, then there is the hangover. Oh oh, then there is the point where one party does not satisfy the wants of the other when the party thinks they have. Let’s not continue with this conversation line, there is enough evidence out there for you to clearly understand the outcomes of this.
Prostitution, significantly cheaper, guaranteed to put things in holes or have things put in holes, not just exclusive to men the engaging in prositution, but, anyway, you have a couple of holes too. There is no hangover, it’s clean and hygienic (again, in Australia), and you can experiment/ask questions/do weird shit without embarrassment, you can experience yourself and move on.
Go get your dick wet, or a dick in your wetness, do it safely, give a hooker a go.
15 – A thank you or two where it is due
So much regular kindness occurs in this world, the Narrator is sure there was once true gratitude for these things but not so sure nowadays.
Fred does something cool in this thing, spells words wrong, unintentionally but on review picks them all up. Fixes some, leaves others, the two racism’s here he knows all about. He is a good speller. Clearly, has fixed it later. They, their and they’re, uses them wrong, fixes most, leaves some. All the other similar words, same process.
His grammar is okay, not fantastic, this part is all Fred both knowing when to use it and also using it at the wrong time thinking this is a good place for whatever. Doesn’t care about this type of thinking, it’s meaningless thinking, meaningless to correct and absolutely disgusting to dismiss someone over. Too many of us do this.
It’s part of the process, get through the meaninglessness in your head and you can understand the point behind the errors, start to live a less meaningless life. Everything, every word, is a tool to show you You. All of your criticism he knows it already, he knows what you are thinking, he knows what you are feeling, he knows.
A clear thing to remember about Fred, he is smarter than you, no matter who you are he is smarter than you, you know this already, he is outplaying you.
Remember remember, Fred is still the world’s number one gamer. Clearly.
Thank you, beautiful thing when used properly, used with intention. There is an Australian English thing that shows how lazy we are, someone does something to help us out and make our life easier we mostly just say ‘ta’, two letters. Thank you, this beautiful word of gratitude has been shortened to two letters. It’s funny, lazy, but also it means thank you. So whether one says ta or thank you it does not matter provided one does so with the gratitude that comes with it. Gratitude is the intention.
Thank you to Bob the librarian, taking the care to project a beautiful simple calm manner when walking people through their library needs.
Ta the lady who sold me a chocolate bar, and sometimes cigarettes, whose whole face smiles when she smiles. It is beautiful to see.
To Sean, who went out of his way to drop me off home, kicking his son out of the car in the process, thanks for the laughs and chat too.
Douglas, the Narrator does not need to say another word. Fred is no longer homeless, as of today, because of you. This beautiful beautiful man has worked out a way for Fred to pay rent without having the money to and without putting pressure on himself, either of them. Words are not enough.
The sister to Douglas simply for having a one on one alone conversation with Fred, those five minutes are much more than five minutes.
Finally, to every person who has been mentioned in this book, simply for being who you are and assisting Freddy to explain everything he needs to, all be it very very begrudgingly.
The Narrator is going to give away all the villains twist here, because Fred is clearly a villain too, the number one villain. None of these stories will end in heartbreak and tension, anger, frustration, violence or any of that stuff. None of the Real Conversations are finished, including Fred’w with himself, the whole thing. All of these people Frederick is thanking in his own way, his own Fred way, you just need to be able to listen in order to understand the reward. It’s better than anything you know.
Guaranteed.
16 – Back to Doug
G’day. Fred here.
I’ve mentioned it already, sometimes the Narrator speaks in third person, mostly third person. Others in first person, did you pick that up? Have you thought about the intention behind it given the information the Narrator has just made available? Do you think I am getting confused and losing track between the Narrator and myself?
One, the Narrator does this to ensure that you know I am not excluded from this conversation, the things I am saying about you and the names I am using.
Marie told me I don’t need to talk about myself, I know. But, still, I take this information on board and give something different a go. Someone else talks about me, it’s still me but I’m not saying I every third line, I’m not talking about myself. But, I am. Understand? I can’t talk about anything at all if I don’t know what I am talking about. If I haven’t experienced it directly I do not know it, cannot talk to it. I can only talk to my own experiences, nothing else, so to get through to you I have to know what I am talking about. The only thing I know is me, how do I not talk to myself?
I’ve already given you all the information you need to understand this but you still don’t. Nowhere near my level yet. Really, another major intention here is to fast track people in their game, see if they can compete with me, have some competition for once. Yeah, I’m a bit selfish too.
I wanted to reveal the ending of the stories about one of our villains. Doug, he is clearly a villain, he is mentioned, every character is a villain. His ending is selfish too. What I’m starting here he’ll continue, more importantly he’ll become so healthy that those who know him best will think it is a miracle, Doug himself will think it is a miracle. But, he will know it is not, it is all work, hard hard work. It’s what you need to free yourself from your chains.
Five years is all it took me once I understood I was completely responsible for my own life to get to the point of freedom I currently am. Five years and five years only. Five years after 36 years of living the same way as you, feeling the same, blaming everything on everyone but me. Never taking full responsibility for anything. It was terribly painful, it’s how I know your life is terribly painful too.
I studied, boy did I study, I fit about 20 years of study, more, into five years. I gave up everything. A unit, job, money, family, friends, all stability and security, I gave it all up. I worked hard, I could not work any harder than I did. I did it for five years and now you are seeing the results live on camera. This is what you can do to yourself with psychedelics and no support.
Every behaviour I talk about, every action, reaction, every discrimination, all the feelings and emotions, every religion and spiritual pathway, every everything I studied in myself. I did it alone, by repeating I did it alone several times I am trying to get you to understand a clear process. Every feeling you feel, every emotion, all of the stuff inside you that feels anything, I walked into every one of these things, I did it with psychedelics, I used doses that I will not talk about here, I made sure that I would feel these things to points I knew could break me completely. I destroyed every single part of myself with psychedelics. I did it alone.
Understand this, to blow myself away and understand these emotions I already had to be feeling them, I was already vulnerable, hurting, suffering, in pain. I was in the pain that stops you from wanting to do anything, the same pain, my version. This is how I felt when I blew these things open with psychedelics. I made that thing that made me want to crawl into a ball and die my fucking bitch. I felt absolutely terrible and then I amplified it, no stereo in this world has the sound capabilities to compare with the magnitude in which I increased my own pain. I fucking did it alone. Starting to understand?
I did alone. I did. I have done it. It is done. It does not need to be done again, alone that is. Anyone advancing in this process now has support, it is me. You can’t bullshit me, I’ll know if you are genuine or not. It won’t matter I’ll blow you open anyway, you’ll become genuine.
Doing this stuff together is the fastest way to heal, to get through all this stuff, not to have to blow yourself away like I did. Drugs aren’t required either. But they are because no-one can provide the safe space needed for people to heal, you can’t, you don’t know how, it is proven. But, get a few people together who do and the plants and chemicals will be less and less necessary. Truth is the key, the answer, the solution, psychedelics are just a tool to be able to recognise that thing you have been ignoring your whole life is actually a key. You have it, you just can’t see it yet.
It’s you dumbarse.
17 – Owning up
G’day again and happy today, my favourite day, a beautiful day.
Today I come here to own up to a mistake I made yesterday, a dumb mistake, a mistake coming from being stuck in my own head, my own thought narrative when I should have been paying much more attention to what I was doing.
Yesterday I was driving to darts, a song came on the radio I enjoy when I was waiting at the Murray Street traffic lights near the information centre. The light went green, I turned right. Half way through the turn I realised I was in my head and neglected to pay the attention required, another car was going straight, I should have given way but I didn’t even see them, too stuck in my own head.
There was no negative outcome but this happened, I messed up in a way that could have really hurt another person. I did it through a lack of attention and care in what I was doing at the time. Completely my fault as would have any potential outcome been.
This is an example, I’ll own up to every mistake I make provided I have made it. I won’t get angry when you point it out, I won’t get angry at all, I don’t have that emotion in me anymore. I won’t even question you on it provided you know what you are talking about, if you don’t I’ll help you understand while taking responsibility at the same time.
This is a massive part to freeing your chains, simply taking responsibility, me taking responsibility for me without trying to justify and make excuses. Full responsibility equals full healing, the full responsibility needs to be in every part of one’s life to heal.
18 – Saint Nick, Red, set, go!
It is time, it is time indeed. Saint Nick and Red the Narrator is coming for you now. It starts here, it starts gentle, the longer you take to respond the less gentle it will become. For anyone reading this who knows these two men the Narrator highly encourages you to recommend they start reading.
We start gentle, then we get less gentle, until there is no more gentleness, no more gentleness means these two men are about to be exposed to the world without their wanting to be.
Saint Nick you are a disgusting piece of shit, you’re whole life is gossip, Fred has been the recent victim of your gossip. Your gossip created an abyss between Fred and the mates he has had his whole life, an abyss that was originally a big hole. You did this Saint Nick, you do this shit and you are a parent, this is the model you are giving to your children, the Narrator will not allow it unchecked.
Fred has nothing, nothing to give, all his mates are afraid of him, expanded because of your bullshit. Yet, even yet, he not only showed up to his mates side when he needed it, he went first and made sure it was alright. He gave everything to his mate when he had nothing to give. You give nothing, you gave nothing, you weren’t there, yet you have so much. Weak man.
This is just our first example Saint Nick, the very first, this is what you need to come to Fred to work on before he will stop blowing your life away to everybody you know.
Mate, you know what you are doing is wrong, your lifestyle is wrong, every single thing about you is wrong. You know this. You know it when you look in the mirror and see the absolutely ugly fat mess you have let yourself become. You can say everything about everyone, when they are not in the room of course, but you can’t even look in the mirror and see the fucking pig you have become? I love you mate, I love your children even though I have never met them, don’t eeven know if it is a them yet, it’s why I am doing this. Come on mate, you can do better.
Red, and the people who care about Red, you get one chance brother, just one. The Narrator is going to ask you to reflect your mind back to the passing of your father, to reflect on the message that our boy, Freddy, sent you. The Narrator asks you to review not only how it impacted you but also those around you. You know the love this man has for you, you have it for him too, this is the only reason you get an opportunity to save yourself from what is coming before any of it comes.
One week from now you both have before the Narrator expands on this conversation, just one, it is 07 August 2024 at 1pm now. One week buddies.
19 – No words
There are no words to express the gratitude and love emanating from Freddy right now. He is about to walk into a bedroom, a bedroom that is his for three weeks, secured for three weeks. It’s only three weeks at this stage but it is three weeks. It’s his first bedroom, his first real private space for 30 months.
Thank you Colac, Fred loves you, boy does he love you.
20 – Tears
Frederick took some time instead of entering the room straight away, did a few bits and pieces that were on his mind, wanted it to be clear before walking into the space.
Fred debated with himself whether or not to take the mattress with him to the room, a blank space to look at or not. He took the mattress in the end.
After making the mattress decision he started walking to where it was, a beautiful feeling started to rise inside Fred, he was pretty certain crying was going to play a part in his afternoon.
Fred took the mattress up the stairs, placed it down where he wanted it and removed the cardboard off the second window in the room. Nothing wrong with the window, the cardboard was there to reduce the light coming in. Fred loves light, loves being able to see the world, the cardboard had to go.
As soon as he ripped the cardboard off the feeling inside him grew, Fred went down to his knees, leaned forward on the bed, arms out the front, bit of a Yoga pose and breathed slowly and deeply. Then the tears came, they did not stop for an hour.
Fred cried every type of cry, released and released and released and released some more. Cried in a manner he has wanted to for years and years, deep hard crying without any drugs. Crying without drugs has been a challenge for Freddy for a long time. Not so much of a problem now, first was able to cry properly the other week when holding his sister-in-law, nephews and brother in his arms. This is the first time however he has been able to do it on his own.
All it took was the safety and security that came with a bedroom, his own private space, and a man that would open the door to another man who everyone is telling him not to. Trust, safety, love, it’s all it took.
It was a phenomenally beautiful cry, followed by a laugh, followed by Fred just expressing out loud the words that came to his head. Freddy, he can cry now.
Beautiful
21 – Maybe this is the reason for no sex
Fred is too funny. He has updated his Tinder profile. The Narrator doesn’t know if you know this about Fred, he does things a little different.
He tells the truth, he does it in the funniest of ways. He has a written a poem, he is serenading his potential matches. This is how Log Splitter Head, another nickname from the older brother, pretty accurate, serenades his woman, enjoy;
Are you here looking for the same thing expecting a different result?
Are you single again, and again, and again? Well, it’s your fault.
I have to point this out ‘cos you’re really fucking dumb,
You take no responsibility for your life, please don’t tell me you’re a Mum?
There are a few things I want to do with you,
Opening your life with psychedelics is number two.
Three, saying whatever I want, being who I am, having a shittonne of fun.
But, having sex with you, this is number one.
The 13 year old part of Fred wanted to put another line, the Narrator will write it here.
Maybe even put it in your bum.
Couldn’t go on Tinder, wouldn’t fit.
That’s what she said. Or, maybe, he said it? One of the two.
Ha, nah, it isn’t like that at all but it does the job, never had any complaints. Enough above average to know it is above average in both categories, nothing to be afraid of, not even for a first timer.
22 – The cream on top
It is super duper funny, Fredriko wrote the below but couldn’t post it, is out of internet so drove to Macca’s to do so. On the radio here What a girl wants by Christina Aguilera is spewing it’s toxicity to the world. How relevant, because men, you do not know what a woman wants, and women you expecting a man to know what you want is encouraging him to control you, force his way, his wants, attachments, feelings and all the rest onto you.
Women, you are encouraging domestic violence, violence against women, and inequality through this rubbish. You are literally killing your sisters that you say you are wanting to influence positively and build up, like, how dumb. You are influencing them yes, influencing them to be beaten and beaten until they are beaten to death by men.
Macca’s, Christina, the dollar. These represent all the fast food chains, influencers and stars, and the the tool that is being used as control in all ways, particularly by the Australian Government, these four things we will talk about more, much more, be very very specific about the harm they are causing. Use examples.
Farmer’s markets, Tool, crypto, public service, these things we will talk about a bit differently, but, this comes in a whole different conversation or chapter, to be decided.
G’day, Fred here.
I am looking forward to sharing my learnings today. The learnings which help you, and me, to understand the solutions I am about to present to all of the problems already identified. More importantly, help you understand how to participate in the solution.
Problem solving, it’s what I do. I solved all my problems, it’s how I know yours, because of this I know how to support you, help you understand your own solutions and see how we can make them happen together.
Because, Colac men, like seriously, Colac men, just Colac men. The smile that comes to my face when I look at you guys is the smile I present in the Stoner Cook. The Stoner Cook I am having the best time, this is clear, but not as good of a time as I am having with you. Colac bloody men, who would have thought.
Saint Nick and Red you are included in this, outside what I am going to point out you are still the best of the best of men.
You are the cream of the crop when it comes to men, the absolute cream of the crop.
This is a really tough town, not too far off some of the toughest in the developed world. I have been to some of the toughest, lots of the toughest, and I am going to stop saying this now. You know now I have been to many places, seen and done many things, I will only talk to my own experience. We understand one another now, let’s move on from the repetition.
There is a bit of everything here, it is not nearly as poor as some places, not nearly as disconnected as others, not even close to having the violence of many but it is equally as tough. The isolation of a place that should not be isolated given its location is the cause of this tough, men are isolated from being men from before they are born, it is drummed into them in every part of their life. There are no other opinions here to correct this, it is all they know, the only thing they really know.
Colac women, I love you too but this is about talking to the men now, this is the solution, men are the solution to all the problems here. You, beautiful things with a vagina, are the example for that solution to reach. You are better than us, we need to catch up and then we can really work together, but we need your support, the support of living the example of what you want us to be.
But, through all this ‘only thing they really know’ they are doing so much better now collectively than 20 years ago, so much better.
My last resort I came to Colac, I drove for three days to come home, to be with these men. I haven’t told Doug the whole story of our meeting, I want him to know the reason I came to him for himself before I have to spell it out for him.
I was a 1.5 hour drive from my little brother’s place when I started, the man I love more than anything in this world, the man who’s family I am trying to save.
When I say I love my brother more than anything I do, but I do not. I love him the same as I love me, the same as I love you, the same as I love this planet that provides us with every single thing we need to live, to thrive, but does not ask for anything in return. I use your language in this so it makes sense to you. I’ll continue to grow this conversation for you to understand.
I say it this way because it is easier for you to understand, to me this means I value my brother more than anything, bar myself, in this world. This man and I have had the most beautiful relationship, just the most beautiful of relationships, I love this man but I did not go to him.
The Aunty I talk to living four hours away, I didn’t go to her.
It would have been a two hour detour to visit my sister, my beautiful beautiful sister who just the thought of not having a relationship with breaks my heart, tears are coming to my eyes, I love this woman, she means everything to me, I am trying to save her family too. I did not got to her.
My other brother, this absolute moron, moron of a bloke who does not understand what doing something means. Doing everything has nothing to do with materialism, God when will you understand this. Mate, you cannot let your boys or anyone be who they are, you are so afraid of every emotion in you and shut everyone down, you stop them from being any form of themself. Everything they do, all the sport, shooting, shit movies, you choose and chose it all for them, it’s all materialism, you did this, you do everything for materialism, sport is materialism, not your boys. You do this just so others think they are worthy of being somebody because they have shit, they’re something because they are good at sport, like mate, GOD.
This is nothing but control, you do it so you never have to be challenged and feel emotions, you are a weak man.
You have every fucking reason to block your emotions off mate, I know your life, I was fucking there bud even when you try to tell me I wasn’t. The hardest of hard times in this family I have been present for every single one and I didn’t even think to say no regardless of what was happening in my life. You’ve shown me beautiful things about who you are in these moments, you’ll go out of you way to fight the nervousness inside you to thank a small sandwich/burger place in Melbourne simply for making you and your family, including me, beautiful simple food that was cooked beautifully. That was a challenge for you, you’re trying to be better, you’re a beautiful man and I am trying to save your family but I didn’t come to you.
I came to Colac, the place where the best of the best of men live. I went absolute cream of the crop first.
Doug, this is how the story really goes mate, the above is the introduction, the back story.
I stopped in Hay the last night of travel, hadn’t decided on my exact plan, it was either straight to find Doug or Air BnB first, in Cororooke actually (would have been great), either way the plan was to find Doug.
I was not seeking out Doug because of his mental health battles, or because he is a weak man that would cave into me. No, no, no. I sought Doug out because he is the strongest of strong men.
This man’s life is an absolute battle but god does he try, nothing but tries to be a better version of himself for the world around. No different to most Colac men but this man it is all he does. He says he doesn’t love himself but this is bullshit, he has true love for himself, he is trying to free himself from his chains. Free himself so he can do better at supporting you. This is why I came to Doug.
Left Hay, Air BnB idea thrown out the window, I’m finding Doug. Drove into Colac to his folk’s house, they are not there, they are away, others are housesitting, none of the cars were familiar. Doug’s car was there but it wasn’t the car I knew so I kept going.
Saint Nick mentioned the last time I chatted to him that Doug was living in Birregurra, he didn’t say this at all, I forgot exactly which name he used. I drove to Birre, got out of the car near the shops and went and asked a few questions. Do you know Doug? The answers were no, went for a walk and said G’day to a young woman, are you a local? She said she wasn’t but might be able to help, she didn’t know Doug but she helped, thank you.
I got back into the car, brought up the AirBnB and made a decision to drive back to Colac first. Entered the main shopping area of Colac and the thought about just go and knock on the door at Doug’s house, see what happens came into my head. I did and the rest is history.
My family is not the family I choose first, it is not, family is not everything when it allows the abuse that was allowed and continues to allow it, this is not family. But, they are the family I was given so I choose them with all my heart, my whole being, yet I choose them second.
My friends, these are my family, my real family. The family that let’s me be who I am as I let them be who they are, all of these people are men, multiple of them live in or come from the place that the best of men come from, fucking Colac, who would have thought?
I have a brother from Ireland who’s love for plants and people is his genius, another brother from Sweden who could be physically the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on, this is his curse, he is working to be the beauty behind the face, working to ignore his ridiculously beautiful face, do I need to say more? I have a brother from Sydney who is worthy of me helping him to live his life his way, I will never be able to help another person again in a similar way, until I die, I do this simply because he is kind.
But then I have these brothers, these beautiful beautiful men, Douggie, Chop, Tom, Doctor Love, Yob, Steve, Saint Nick, Red, T, Brandt and Rahul. 10 of the very best, one of them is the very very best, do you know which one it is? Douggie, how about you mate? Do you know which one it is?
Douggie, my beautiful beautiful brother, the cream on top, it’s you buddy.
These men, and your partners or friends or whatever are invited to a bonfire on Saturday the 17th August at Douggie’s place. Arrive whenever, bring what you want, alcohol or whatever, but just come accepting everyone in this space is free to be who they are, do their life the way they choose, we will not allow judgement. If you want to try mushrooms you do not need to source your own, I will make sure you understand them before you eat them.
Do you understand the crescendo here, the finale, the revealing of the grand solution?
We will allow people in this space to be who they are.
This is the solution.
So women, this is your role, be who you are, who you are, not the trends and the fashions and the cliques and the rubbish gossip. Be who you are, be the example us men need to learn to become, be this so we can finally start catching up and working together.
Men, be who you are, not the rubbish you are told to be. You are not violent, you are not dominating, you are not here to control others. You are here to nurture your world to be what it is, allow the people around you to be who they are, learn to be who you really are. Listen, fucking listen you dumb shits, me included, just listen, stop talking and listen to your partner and your family.
Your anger will build at times but this is you, not your partner, it is you. How you act based on that anger is you, what you do is your fault, take responsibility for your actions and your words and we start catching up to the most beautiful of beautiful examples.
Like, seriuosly buddies, when you start to understand how beautiful and perfect this world is you will start to see the true beauty in these strangely shaped things you put your penis in. Women are the most beautiful of beautiful things when you remove the leash you have forced around their neck.
Let them be who they are.
The solution my friends.
23 – The dick pic
G’day,
I’m going to take over a majority of this conversation now, we are getting into the meat of it.
There’s a photo that is very likely still floating around, first it would not be a great idea of a teacher to still have this photo, regardless of it not meaning what others will want it to mean. It doesn’t mean anything other than how I am going to describe it, that my mate still has it is because of the moment, not others moments. Still, it would be better for himself were he to get rid of it.
Red is not my only teacher friend.
Red, I don’t need to say anything about you this week, you might surprise me yet. That school still being a final opportunity for some kids when all other opportunities have been taken away, mate, this is what that school is.
I don’t know this for myself, have not been there, this came from the child of a parent who is a student at another school, a really beautiful young man. Still, it is gossip, but, I am going to use gossip in a way it can be changed. We change the way we use it, see the results, and then we can get rid of it.
Gossip Red, this is one of the two things I want to help you to remove too, but it isn’t number one. We’ll get to that another time, preferably in private.
Year 12 my friend group once every three of four weeks would get together at one of the rural properties on a Friday night and get really drunk. One of those houses was that of teachers, beautiful people allowing their son and his friends to safely experience alcohol under their roof.
Another time, the mother, she caught me and a couple of other boys smoking at school, only once. We made an excuse, she didn’t even think to buy it, but she also knew this gathering wasn’t just three boys being naughty. She let us be with the unsaid expectation we would do better at hiding what we were doing in the future. We did, much better, never got caught again.
The gathering, it was naughty boys, naughty boys smoking, but it was naughty boys smoking together who just needed some time to be able to be themselves. School was hard for these three, moments and care like this helped.
So teachers I’m about to start ripping into you, gently at first, but there will be many examples like this along the way too. In amongst all your bad their is beauty too, much more beauty. You give a shit enough to try, it’s enough. The problem is you do not give enough of a shit to listen, you really could have done a lot for me and my mates were you willing to talk to us freely and openly.
Secondary school, fucking hell, still protecting kids from words, from the big wide world, when you should be preparing them for it. This is why my shit is targetted at secondary school students and includes all the words it includes. These people are not idiots, they have their own thoughts now, developing their own lives, support them and stop blocking them. Please do this.
I will talk about everything, including hygiene in beautiful ways, the way I learnt it, especially when I get to the full demonstration on my penis I received one day. I will go into this in full detail, nothing will be left out. Students, and teachers, will laugh, cry, be embarrassed, get aroused. I am teaching the boys what to look for in their partner to know they are aroused, to learn to know if they are doing a good job. They will learn by seeing it in the students around them while the students around them are learning it in them. Not only the girls will know how to tell when someone is aroused after I am done, the bulge in the pants won’t be the only indicator you see.
I guarantee many of you are going to want to fuck me, some of you will. It will be done within safety parameters, I will teach you about safety in sex in all ways, I will emphasise breaches of safety through power imbalance, I will not have sex with someone who does not satisfy my and the greater community safety expectations. A safety I myself have breached, the power imbalance, I did it with someone around my own age, mid 30s, I will explain this to you.
I got some great things from school though, the greatest of experiences and memories, the best of mates.
Friday night drinking sessions. This one was at Red’s place. Man we got drunk that night, super duper drunk.
Doug, he dissapeared, found him a few hours later hanging out in the pool. Typical Doug, A version of this is what happened in Geelong, but Doug who was battling at the time, really battling financially, ended up with bruises and marks and a massive fine for drunk and disorderly. Not a good outcome for my great mate.
He had bruises and marks on him this time but no-one was worried, we knew he’d come back, knew he’d have marks, knew he’d be okay. He was, we were at a rural property after all where it was very difficult to get in shit, sometimes difficult to even walk the distance to the neighbour’s house.
This is the reason we did it rurally and our parents let us. Little parties, just the close friend group, we proved over and over again we could do this safely. They trusted us and we continued to do the right thing, didn’t abuse it. None of us expected we were going to be allowed to do this as often as we did, we didn’t abuse the relationship, these gatherings were beautiful, alcohol and all.
One night at my place we ended up at an Alvie footy function, like 10 of us. All staying at my place, there were also maybe four other people at home too. We’re all drinking in the loungeroom, being loud, wrestling, trying to rip each other’s jocks off by giving them the wedgie of a lifetime. Our whole friend group only succeeded maybe three times in the ultimate wedgie, perfectly pulled underwear that not only ripped perfectly but also left a stinging burn on the arsehole for 20 seconds or so after. Perfect.
Men, and women, this burn, this sting is what happens during anal sex. It’s uncomfortable, painful and okay, all three at once. It doesn’t last, when it comes wait, just wait, be patient, ask your partner to wait and be patient too. Be still. After not long the stinging will go away and you two will be able to have proper sex, you’ll really be able to go for it without worrying about hurting your butt.
You’ll know what has happened for a few days after, especially the first time, but you won’t be walking around like some of the men you see in prison movies, it does not do that when you are working together with your partner, consensually. Get through the sting and, well, it is pretty awesome, I’ll leave it up to you to find out more.
Wear protection please.
There was massive celebration about 30 minutes before we left to the do, however she did it Mum pulled out like 25 steak burgers, more and put them in the middle of the room. Not a sound was made for 30 minutes, not a sip of beer was drunk. My mother was a phenomenal woman.
Happy kids and bellies full with good shit we head down the footy do. It’s a big one, a great one, we all have a great night. Fantastically drunk. We didn’t have to look after anyone here, the whole club does that, and besides there were only six or so houses between the footy oval and my home, not possible to get lost.
Well, that’s what we thought.
We get home, all lying down in the lounge when someone asks the question most of us are thinking, ‘where is Doug?’ Of course, nobody knew. We had a discussion about the best course of action. The decision was that since we were in Alvie, this place impossible to get lost, all we need to do is walk down the three different roads and we will find him. Solid plan, but we were pretty comfortable so we dismissed it, laughed, he’ll be back.
Not long after, maybe 30 minutes, Doug comes stumbling into the house, into the lounge, falls over a few things, has a wrestle with someone, lies down and says, ‘oh my God! You will not believe what I just did.’ In unison, almost, ‘yes we will Doug’.
Doug got lost, well not really, he just chose the wrong house. The house he chose was the only house in the whole town that would be concerned about a strange 17 year old boy ending up in their house. The only one. They weren’t violent or aggressive to anyone or anything but this was not the house to be getting lost on the couch.
This is what happened, Doug really drunk left the footy and started walking in the right direction. He was going in the right direction but he got a small detail wrong, my house was six or seven houses away, not two.
Yes, the door was unlocked, like every house in Alvie at the time but this does not mean it was the house Doug wanted. The problem with this house is that it was the only one in the whole neighbourhood that had girls around our age, beautiful girls, 16 and 14 in fact, a terrible age for men to wander into their house uninvited. There were no brothers, the other problem with this house. Doug did nothing, was asleep on the couch when the Dad came and woke him up, pointed him in the right direction and made sure he got home. This is Alvie people, beautiful people.
So we’re at Reds, Doug is back by now. Saint Nick is there, this man is super duper homophobic, the worst thing anyone could think about him, the same as my older brother, is that he is a poofta. But, Saint Nick, I reckon, from my own experience with you that there may be more to this.
We are doing funnels, a funnel attached to a piece of pipe that you shove down your throat and pour a beer on top. It was my turn, pipe in mouth, beer in, start to chug and all of a sudden my pants are around my ankles and there is a flash going off. Didn’t stop me, I got through the skull. One of the only two times I have been able to drink a full beer down in one go.
We had the film developed, did it in the photography room at school. We’ve taken all the photos from the night to the library, or might have been common room, and we’re flicking through them. All of a sudden there is a group pause, we all look at each other and burst out laughing.
Here was this photo, my head can’t be seen but my body can be, the funnel can be, my cock definitely can be. The funny didn’t stop here.
Rahul has done the pants pulling down action, did it perfect too, he’d had some practice. Beautiful man, really beautiful man, the girl’s like him. The camera effect is the funniest thing however, Rahul has this absolute look of excitement on his face like this is the best thing I could ever do, the only thing I want to do, there is nothing else in my world but this. What he was doing looked exactly like he was about to put his mouth around my dick, it was wide open and all.
Furthermore, the camera effect made it look like Rahul was so close he could almost pull out his tongue and starting licking my genitals. Yeah, it was funny.
We hid the photo but we didn’t, it came up over and over and over. The negatives mainly we looked at and laughed, it was easier to keep it hidden. Until Red, Saint Nick and maybe Brandt buggered up in French one day, took the negative out and the teacher saw.
She screamed from what I hear, and made a massive fuss. It was a body with a dick and she made it seem like the worst of worst things, Ms. M. how can you expect to teach people to be comfortable with who they are and their bodies when you can’t even have the maturity to normalise it when you see it?
See, gentle, she was a beautiful woman this teacher, good most of the way but things like this are a barrier, especially for young women. A cock is a cock, all men have one, a pussy is a pussy, all women have them too. Well, with exceptions, gender choice we will discuss another time.
There has been a bit of gossip around Saint Nick over the years regarding this photo, gossip that through my experience with Saint Nick I cannot be sure if it is true or not. Gossip that regularly involves attraction to Rahul, don’t blame you mate, he is a good looking guy, and a great guy. So I’m going to use gossip, the same as you, but gossip with experience Saint Nick to ask you a couple of questions. Do you wish that was you instead of me? Or do you wish it was Rahul, and you were Rahul? Have you fantasised over it? Did you orgasm? Are you a poofta Saint Nick?
I reckon you’d be a bottom and a bottom only. But I don’t want to find out for myself, you really have become a hideous looking man, in body and face.
24 – We stop with the cherry on top
The Narrator is back, Fred tried to cage it, well he has. It is caged. Just when we are getting to the meat on the sandwich too. Shame really.
None of these conversations are finished but this is where they all finish. Fred is no longer the Groundskeeper, at Doug’s he is the Stoner Cook, does a bit of Groundskeeping but it isn’t what it was. It won’t be what it was until it is again, the Stoner Cook Colac it has given you what you need to bring this back.
Not only bring this back, finish the conversation the way Fred wants to, not like this. If this is the way it is it is the way it is. Finish all the conversations the way Fred wants to, not like this. None of them finished, but they are if you let them be Colac.
When Fred said he is taking over this conversation he is, completely. Taking it to the Stoner Cook, this is the thing he wants to finish as much as possible, but, again, Colac, this is up to you.
Fred won’t be the Groundskeeper again until he is a Groundskeeper again, he’d like to do this in Colac, the second property is the place where he will do it. Not only will he live there and support everything that happens he’ll also make sure the grounds are always beautiful and safe.
Did Fred mention the properties won’t stay in his name? Well, wrong, it will never start in his name. Like, really. You finance his project and none of the assets even start in Fred’s name, he is presenting what he is doing to you and the police to stay accountable, he is giving up the rest of his life simply to offer you the opportunity of any lifetime. But you Colac, collectively, are the dumbest of dumbfucks.
Colac, the man doing this was abused under your care, he was tortured, he was battered, as was his sister and two brothers. Not only Fred but also his sister Melanie have expressed the same words, our homelife was torture. So, Melanie’s friends and the people who care about her, she was abused too, you let that happen. Colac you let that happen.
Teachers you let this happen, especially you. Church you are the one who started it, developed it and expanded it. All the terrible violence in this family is your fault Colac. Police you are responsible. Council you are responsible. All Fred’s family and friends you are responsible. Holly you are responsible still, as is every other parent in this town, you are all terrible still. You are all abusive and violent still. You are still violating your innocent children. Colac you are letting this happen.
Fred is making it impossible for you to support him, he knows this beyond doubt, making 100% sure of it. But he will not give himself up for anything, how many times does this need to be repeated? He won’t give himself up even to maintain his own life.
Making sure you cannot support him. Well, cannot support him if you are ignorant. Fred is showing you that you are going to let your ignorance kill a good man, a really good man, the best of men. Or, at least, blow an opportunity that will make you the laughing stock of the world for all time.
‘Cos Colac you are the dumbest, weakest, most pathetic, cowardly pieces of fucking shit the Narrator has ever had to witness. Fuck you’re weak.
You cannot support him if you are ignorant, ignorant at all, particularly towards the drugs. This, Colac, is your number one quality, it’s why you allow women and children to be beaten by men, you can’t deny it, you do. It’s why you allow and encourage and glorify men beating men, you’re pathetic. You think these drugs are just like every other drug, you have no experience, done no research, tell people they kill people yet you drink alcohol, the thing that kills more people than all these drugs combined in Australia, all the while dismissing something you do not know. Something that will heal the whole world.
You know how many deaths in Australia there were last year from people taking psychedelics? Don’t include the bad pickers that picked bad mushrooms, not the mushrooms fault, the picker picked the wrong type, not a bad one of the right type, does not exist, the wrong type. The person did it not the plant. How many deaths last year from psychedelic drugs, only psychedelics, not including alcohol, versus alcohol, just alcohol? Fred can answer this without getting to a second finger, can’t guarantee the first one either, but don’t want to bias so will keep it fair.
As things stand Fred will be dead in five years, he doesn’t care, not the point. The point is in 15 years the true research will come through. You will reflect to what Fred told you and you will know you not only let Fred die because of your ignorance but you held the blade in your own hand that killed the best of men, the absolute cherry on top, this is how you will be remembered Colac.
The world will reflect too, I am saying everything now that the rest of you will just be starting to learn then. This will still be there. Yeah Colac, you will be noticed.
Noticed as the most ignorant weak town in the world that not only killed the best of men but allowed him, his brothers, sisters, friends, their friends, their friends and their friends and many more children in this town to be abused without doing a thing.
You have a chance now, do something, or not. You won’t you are weak, on this occasion Fred would love to be wrong.
He is wrong sometimes, on the Stoner Cook and other places he says his finances will allow him to live for a few months before having to sell the car and leave. He also said the sale of the car will allow him to live for another couple of years. Fred also said he hadn’t felt frustration in 12 or 13 years. None of these are true, Fred is horrible at judging time, especially years. They feel forever away, does not know about the future, has never lived there, but the past it is forever away.
It was a year or two before his first psychedelic breakthrough the frustration went, so only six or seven years. Half the time spoken, probably a good fact to remember in the above.
Fred doesn’t lie, he is trying to save his life through your support but he is making sure you cannot support him if you are ignorant.
If you do not understand these drugs and are placing them in the category of all others you cannot support him. Kimberley you must let your brother die, Tierney and Melanie you too. The rest of Fred’s family and friends if you do not understand these drugs you must let this beautiful beautiful man that you all love so much die. You must, you cannot support him.
You support him you are just as ignorant if you do not know the drugs. You need to sacrifice Fred to stand up for what you believe, just like Fred is sacrificinh himself for what he knows. You support Fred thinking these are the same as all other drugs then you are supporting the killing and pain and suffering that comes with many drugs, all the stories, the horror, you are supporting this. Fred’s life is nothing but drug advocacy, understand this, you have to sacrifice your brother’s life to stand up for what you believe in. Regardless of the ignorance involved.
Or, alternatively, you could all stop being morons and do some research. The drugs yes, but also violence, particularly violence, and find out how you are violating your children, because you are, understand this and you can understand what a man like Fred can do for your world. Your children’s world, the children you say you will do anything for? The same ones you won’t even do a little bit of research to make sure they are healthy and safe. This includes you Holly. Fucking dumbshits.
$2500 maybe, it’s crypto, Fred hasn’t looked for some time. Only knows it is not much, just like his bank card last week Fred will go to use the crypto card one day and it will be empty. This is what he has left Colac, the Narrator laughs when Fred says it will last three months, it will not. Not the way Fred lives.
He won’t change a thing, morning coffee, breakfast every couple of days, good food, travel, sex, having a bloody good time, smoking cigarettes. Even with so little the cigarettes will stay, he won’t quit them until he knows why he does them, can’t do that until he is safe, it is a safety mechanism, he needs to know why he smokes so he can share it with you, can’t understand it if he forces himself to quit, clearly his situation is not safe. Yeah, being able to educate so people understand is more important than his own life. Do you understand?
Fred’s just laughing, so dumb.
A man that will tell the police what he is doing knowing it is illegal before he gets stuck right into it. Like, really, like really? The Narrator has no words.
Fred is the cherry on top in this town, the best thing that has ever come out of it by a country mile, 42 of them. The very best of the best men. He’ll prove it to you too, well, provided he is still alive and you’re not a coward. This is the truth of it, Fred only dies because his whole world, every one who has ever been in it, say they loved him, dies because all of you are cowards but, worse, dies because you were too lazy to do some research or even think for yourselves. Even worse, in 15 years none of you will be able to deny you killed the best of men simply because you were too weak to look at yourself and take responsibility for your own actions, exactly what everybody will start doing then.
Yeah, Colac, you are weak, the weakest of weak men, the weakest of weak women, the most abusive of abusive human beings.
So, this is done until it isn’t. See you on the Stoner Cook.