Note, there have been a couple of additions in the updated version, some swearing removed, none of the content itself has changed with the exception of improving readability.
Introduction
Real conversation 02: Take God knows how many. The narrator is going to narrate the conversation which started yesterday, a conversation where one man is starting to see the coward he is while another learns to express his courage to the world. It’s a beautiful conversation. The Narrator does not know when the conversation (chapter) will conclude.
Finn, he’s our villain here, Fred’s stories they have villains. All the people already mentioned, these are the villains. Action and drama assured now. It’s the unveiling of the villain however that is the twist, a twist only possible should the villain be willing to participate in a real conversation.
Finn, oh boy, Finn, he is definitely not. But, he is a little bit, maybe, we’ll see, the Narrator knows as much as you do at this point Reader, well a little more. Let’s explore the little more.
Part 01 – A Flat Tyre
Finn asks Fred to help a customer with a flat tyre, Fred obliged, helping people in need is Fred’s priority. Making this place safe is Fred’s priority, his only priority. The safety of the human beings in this place, near this place, in every place, are Fred’s sole interest.
A few hours later Fred is dropping off the compost bin near the kitchen as Finn asked. Fred is about to walk away and Finn calls him back, Fred I want you to understand why I did that there? ‘Did what?’, responds Fred. Asked you to help that woman. ‘She needed help?’, Fred’s query back.
Fred’s a bit unsure at the motivation for this conversation. Waits. Finn continues.
I asked you to help her because she is a regular, I am willing to look after our regulars. ‘Your regulars are the same as anyone mate’. No this is a business, I will ask you to help our regulars on our time when I ask you but you will not help anyone on my time if it gets in the way of the business. We have a problem now, ‘mate, that’s hypocrisy, your regular is equally important to me as every other person, I will help anyone and everyone.’
It’s not hypocrisy. Now, Fred’s old friend ego has come into the conversation, the fun begins. ‘Listen to me Finn, there is not a thing in this world you can give to me or take from me that will stop me from helping people in need, not your money, your position, your authority will change this’. ‘You do not need to pay me for anything I do, I will work your hours, but people are my only priority’.
Listen to me, I’m giving you a direct order. ‘Yes, and I am rejecting your direct order’. ‘I have given you no reason not to trust me. I do everything that is required. I do it to the best of my ability, I learn and do it better every time’. ‘Not once, with the evidence available to you, have my duties gone undone because I helped someone’.
Finn attempted to justify trust that they allow Fred to be on the property, drive the tractor. This is not trust, this is a service expectation, Fred is merely a service to Finn, not a human being, just a servant. Fred is happy to be, everything asked of him at the property he does, but not because he is told to, because he wants to. He won’t give up himself for any of it.
I am giving you a direct order and you are intentionally defying me. ‘Yes, and I will continue to do so, this whole thing you are doing right now is ego’. Ha, then the ego really came into it, so Fred did what he does, gave Finn example after example after example of how full of shit he is, how dominant his ego is, how he destroys the world with it. How his words mean nothing. How the shit that comes out of his ignorant mouth and his actions do not match up.
Ego, is a great thing, it can’t help itself. You don’t know, I have done this and that and all this stuff. ‘I do know mate, I listen to your words and pay attention to your actions, I know you are doing nothing for this world’. The message anyway, repeated over and over in many ways.
The whole point of the ego outburst is because this pathetic thing that Finn has made its power, money and privilege, no longer are the shield, the posse, one made them out to be, they do not exist. The person starts to see how uselessly dependant they are on this thing, for everything, not just to live, to be who they are, starts to see how useless they are without it. It’s the epitome of weakness, the weakest of men follow this money and privilege is power route, Finn follows this route.
The even weaker then place themselves into positions of leadership thinking that is the power they crave, this is Finn. A fake man, a little man, a weak man, a coward. Leading.
You’re not willing to understand what I am saying to you Fred. ‘Yes, I am’, Fred then repeated Finn’s words in the simplest way he knew how ‘you are saying to me that money and privilege is the only thing that matters here, it matters more than me helping people. I understand, I accept your position.’ ‘I am asking you to accept mine, there is nothing you can give or take from me that will make me prioritise money over helping people, you can make me homeless, I don’t care’.
You say you don’t care. This is how Finn is attempting to justify his thoughts of dismissing Fred from the property, dismissing him simply because his priority is people, shit that matters, where Finn’s is money and privilege, shit that does not matter. Yeah, Finn is clearly starting to see that pathetic morsel he has let himself become.
The truth is Fred doesn’t care if Finn makes him homeless, especially for the motivation, making money more important than people. A man who calls himself good can make a man like Fred who is actually good homeless has an impact that cannot be ignored. Finn will start to see he is not a good man. Fred does not want to be homeless, does not want to live in his car again, his preference is this beautiful property. While his preference is in place he is not homeless, when that preference is removed he is made homeless. A good man is willing to make another good man homeless simply because he will help people, he will help people regardless the personal cost to himself.
Yes Finn, Fred understands and accepts what is being said both ways in this conversation. You do not, not even your own position, least your own position.
But what if it’s really busy. ‘We will deal with it then, I will not let you project this shit onto the future, for it to be an issue now, it’s absolutely dumb shit’. It’s not dumb. ‘It’s fucking dumb shit, equally dumb to the working extra time shit with Trina’.
Finn is effectively considering homelessnessing a man who doesn’t put an additional second of the ten extra hours a week he works on his time sheet, never brings it up, doesn’t care about the money. Dismissing a man because he refuses to put money and privilege before the needs of another human being. Making a man homeless over something that has not even happened yet, out of fear, fear of losing money, how fucking pathetic do people get?
This is the shit that Finn cannot see, he is drowning in an ocean of privilege he has created for himself.
How does Fred know all this? Simple, Fred is the study he has done to understand the human condition, he said it all to himself first, his first real conversation goes well beyond these 52 chapters friends. Finn isn’t his first target, Fred was that and continues to be it. It is a 41 year conversation in the making. A conversation where he continually looked at himself and told himself to be better, to be safer, a conversation he continues to have. All these things Fred has told himself about himself, he has experienced the harm of his privilege, he has experienced how to use it safely and beautifully. He knows the choice to make because he put himself into its hell, the hell of privilege he has been to, absolutely alone. He will not go back there, he will not let anyone spew the ignorance of privilege into his space unchecked.
Addition: Fred and Finn has a discussion about understanding the human condition. Fred’s study is himself, Finn’s study is in the justification ‘so have I Fred, I have been teaching for 28 years’. Remember this detail, teaching people, children, for 28 years, the importance is necessary. The difference between Fred and Finn’s study? Fred pointed his finger at himself, took all blame and responsibility for everything in his life, every single thing. Finn points the finger at everybody else and blames them for everything, his shitty life and everything about it is someone elses fault, Finn takes zero responsibility for anything, his actions or his words.
This place is run on privilege, the privilege that money brings, the creators cannot admit it to themselves. It feeds on privilege, needs it, cannot exist without it. It is simply a reflection of its creators. It is the privilege of every customer that keeps it going, only the privileged come here, live here. Fred included. It is easy to see which ones are drowning in this sea, even easier the ones that are floating, easier still the one paddling around casually in a kayak.
Ego identity is the drowning, the inability to see myself for what I really am.
Finn tried all types of tactics, you think, you believe. ‘No mate, I believe in absolutely nothing at all, nothing do I believe in’. ‘If you had any idea what I think you would project yourself a hell of a lot differently to what you do now’.
‘But, you think Finn’. Don’t tell me what I think. ‘Mate, I know what you think and believe’. No, you don’t.
Fred really is just having fun with this moron, this pathetic weak coward of a moron. He doesn’t continue to provide examples after a point, this point he just laughed, really laughed. It was nice.
The simple difference here, simple, everytime Finn talks it’s I think, or I believe, or this book says, so Fred knows exactly what he thinks about because he says it. He also knows what he thinks about because it dominates Finn’s words, money. The opposite does not work. Fred never, not ever says I believe, he will only say I think when it comes to meaningless shit he is happy to take a guess at, numbers, words, dumb shit. No-one can say they know what Fred thinks or believes because he doesn’t spew that violent ignorant garbage to the world.
Addition: There is another thing Fred knows about Finn, it comes fromn a statement, the loudest voice in the room is the one that should be least given attention, it is the one that knows the least, is the most harmful. Finn’s voice is the loudest in every room, every space.
Fred is showing Finn what a man really looks like. He is hoping the women around are taking notice, seeing in real time how to differentiate between the fake pretenders who come into their lives, almost everyone, and the ones they will be able to build trust with, the real men, almost none. There is a working example right in front of their eyes, one of which they are safe to be themselves with, one which they are not. This is what stops domestic violence, men like Fred, men who have taken complete responsibility for themselves and the harm they do to the world with their ignorance and belief (I think = belief), real men.
Fred is showing Finn what bravery, courage, leadership, honesty, integrity, a real man looks like. Finn is starting to see he is none of these meaningless things when he thinks he is all of them. It won’t seperate Finn from Fred, it is seperating Fred from Finn. One holds and carries baggage into each new moment, the other leaves it where it was. One is safe, the other is not.
One is a weak man, the other is a strong man, the strongest of men.
One of these is the dominant presence in the raising of your children, the same one is absolutely saturating every leadership position. Your world shows you the outcomes of this, the evidence is clear, it is everywhere one looks.
Finn tried three times to get Fred to tell him wanted he wanted the way he wanted, Fred made it very clear Finn is absolutely batshit crazy, or just plain dumb, if he thinks he is going to get what he wants out of Fred. Fred will not be like you mate, boss, Fred is not pathetic.
To be continued.
Part 02 – Anal sex
G’day. Fred here to fill in a bit of time while we wait for the conclusions of this conversations. Patience is welcome on this one
What’s new? Oh, just this, did something I said I was going to do. Had sex with someone with masculine anatomy the other night. It wasn’t bad. I’d do it again, wouldn’t preference it over feminine anatomy but given the right circumstances, person, conversations, created space I’d explore it some more. See if I can make it great too. It was good this time around, good is not good enough.
A penis was easier than toys, even a good sized penis, it wasn’t small. Bigger than most of the toys have played with solo, and with women, still it was easier. Felt nice enough. I laughed a fair bit, asked heaps of questions on how to make it cleaner. It wasn’t very clean, the biggest drawback. Greatly there are ways to make it much cleaner.
One way is called a douche, effectively it is used to clean out the anus and its inner workings. Definitely a requirement, I will get my hands on one before trying it next. I don’t require any of this preperation with women, another confirming of my sexuality choice through experience, knowing the choice. Still, however, not being identified allows me to continue exploring everything, all options, freely. It’s the meaning of a free life, all this shit. Still unsure how to communicate this all.
Anyway, I’m working on it.
He’s doing the same thing again, well made the realisation. Was in the Beaudesert fish and chip shop waiting for a burger a little while back. Read the menu. Lasgna Topper, ‘what’s a lasagna topper?’ The cook replied, ‘it’s bolognaise beef mince, cheese, in batter, deep fried.’ A lot of Fred’s wishes just came true. Fred said no when he was offered one, not this time.
Two or three weeks ago saw it on the Rathdowney menu, ordered it. Was good but wasn’t something he’ll order again. That was that, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t going to try the one’s in Beaudesert, but now he is. It was his motivation for not wanting one, they will be the same, no need. He doesn’t know this, and you can’t tell him it unless you have tried both. Until he is as confident as he needs to be on the subject he isn’t confident at all. Wants to be confident. Best way is just to try the damn thing, especially when it is so easily accessible.
It’s the way he plays his game, the way he learns shit, does the shit that he doesn’t understand. After, curiously enough, he comes to understand it for himself. Can make a clear choice every time. The first example, he can’t be sure that having sex with a man is not as good as having sex with a women, or that there is anything wrong with it, doing it once with one man is not enough to know for sure. Second example, he can’t be sure the two shops use the same lasagna, eating only one does not make it so. Basically, in both cases, he just eats out of both.
It’s the way he plays his game.
Part 03 – Venomous snakes and climbing
G’day, I’m back. I knew this conversation would take time, it’s also the continuation of my conversation with me. This Mount Barney Lodge story has some way to go, as does the side plot, me exploring physical intimacy from a position of freedom.
Still only had sex with the one man, but have experimented by myself some since too. Have been looking to get another root but the truth is we’re not a very good looking or healthy bunch us men. Only very few of the examples out there interest me, most of them look like women.
There is a dificulty here too, these women aren’t after intimacy, there are confusions they don’t understand which is their intention. It seems very few people on the dating sites, particularly Grindr understand their choices or why they are doing what they are doing, why they are the way they are.
This is my ongoing question, why am I the way that I am? I will not accept the answer of ‘it’s just the way I am‘, this is not an answer, it’s a distraction, an escape, cowardice. I need to understand it through my own experiences.
I need to correct Finn, I’m waiting for the right time, not just jumping in with it when it doesn’t make sense. He put my life at risk, the man he employs to look after his grounds and maintain his buildings. The man that works in trees, nooks, cranies, confined spaces, dark places, light places, hot conditions, cold conditions. Putting his hands in places he can’t be sure are vacant.
We were talking about the carpet python that ate the bandicoot at my front door step, phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal. Finn asked, ‘do you know how to tell if a snake is venomous?’, no, I replied. ‘Venomous snakes don’t climb, only non-venomous do. You knew that?’ No, I didn’t. Conversation finished.
The next day there is a beautiful full snake skin that has been shed recently on a pillar at one of the buildings. Phenomenal, I stated. A coworker comes over and has a look, says a few things. I hear it can’t be venomous, it’s climbing. ‘No, that is a myth, it is definitely not true’, came the swift emphatic response.
I now have two pieces of competing information, I want to know the answer, it’s an important answer. I research, venomous snames, especially in Australia do, in fact, climb. There are a number of reasons, a primary one being when they are threatened. Eastern Brown Snakes, an extremely deadly and common variety in these parts, there is one in the shed, are one of those that do.
This information literally could have killed me, it is harmful to others. I need to correct Finn but I need to do it when the time is right. All part of conversation number two. Also, the importance of knowing what you are talking about. I had to be sure before approaching or discussing with Finn, my ego and needing to be right cannot be part of this conversation.
It’s the same thing I am doing with intimacy, especially anal sex. I need to be sure I know what I am talking about. Everyone says it is either good, bad, or meh. All competing views, mainly from people with little-to-no experience, these views mean nothing to me. Only my experience can solve this one.
Addition: Most of these views originate in socialising and conditioning. They originate from an extremely homophobic father, older brother and the sporting scene, mainly Australian Football and Cricket, that dominated the small country town where I grew up. This is the harm of listening to and accepting the views of others, the very self-limiting, world harming, discrimination of others.
So far, mainly solo, the answer is emphatically that anal sex is good. It is. Really good. I’m glad I had some pointers the other week, very glad I have explored since on my own. Bought myself a toy and everything, one that is almost the same size as mine, I have to have an understanding of what it feels like when I put it in others peoples holes. I do now. It’s great.
Finger play almost made me come to orgasm with barely touching my penis itself. Last night, brought myself to orgasm while barely touching it at all, not having a finger near it for the period leading up to orgasm. It was great, I’ll do it again, particularly interested in regular attention with someone else in this regard.
But here’s the problem, the only men I am attracted to I have taken bits from some places, the whole of a beautiful female body, and placed a penis on the fantasy, basically my own penis. So many examples of an ugly penis out there, mine is very nice, even been described as beautiful. So, to make my fantasy work I have had to take the best physical pieces of people and puzzle them together, including a piece of myself, to be aroused enough to enjoy it.
Absolutely beautiful part about this fantasy, it’s my cock, I don’t need to use condoms in it. Yeah, I wear condoms in my fantasy’s when I don’t have an ongoing relationship with the person of interest. My cock is clean and disease free, as is the rest of my body. My dick in my arse is not going to make anyone sick, it’s safe. Even keep my fantasies safe. Safety is what I am, I do it in every moment of my life without fail.
The purpose is the comfort, I am completely comfortable with my body, all parts of it. Almost no-one else is, this is very obvious in the gay community. There are some, but still very few examples, in the straight community. Most examples that do exist, exist on the female of our species.
Straight completely I remain while wanting to do this regularly. I want to explore a penis regularly, but I want to explore a vagina more regularly, much more regularly. Hetero sex to me is the absolute pinnacle, it’s amazing, my penis in a vagina, the pinnacle for me. Plenty of times tried it in arses, doesn’t compare. Additionally, I know for sure now too, that as great as an orgasm is with something in my arse, I know it doesn’t come near competing to the orgasm when my cock is in a pussy.
Science, it’s not a tool of reliance to me, it’s a great tool of explanation however. For example, the question, why do I enjoy a vagina more than an anus? Experience tells me this, one. Two, science explains it too. An engorged penis is clearly aroused, doesn’t take a genius to work this out.
An anus it does not engorge, it protects its own integrity, this is where the tightness and a majority of the friction involved in sex come from, this one opening.
A vagina is different than an anus, much more like a penis, it engorges when aroused, it is a lot less physically noticeable than a penis of course. There are other signs though, glowing skin, rock hard nipples, scents and other biological reactions a women emits that relate her arousal story. They can be emitted extremely strongly if one is willing to pay attention and read them, another personal science experiment.
The friction comes from the whole vagina, the muscles inside engorge when aroused and wrap themelves as tightly as they can, in the most beautifully gentle way to the penis. A penis taking the time to really work with it rather than just pound it will engorge further too, the two apparatus will work together, given the patience required. They really were meant for one another.
The friction being felt through almost every fibre of the penis, touching and being sensitive to all parts of the vagina, this is what makes vaginal sex the absolute peak of sexual experience.
A mouth is great, it can be manipulated to do similar, but even then, it’ll never be the same.
Part 04 – The point
All this sex stuff, it has a point. It is completely attached to the one thing Fred desperately wants to remove from his life. The thing he is killing himself with but cannot let go of. Cigarettes. Sex and cigarettes are related, it is a safety mechanism.
Fred was physically and mentally abused constantly as a young child. The only aspect in his life that represented some form of safety, his mother. She died of cancer, never smoked, barely drank, her love for her children and fear of accepting her own mistakes, stress, was the cancer’s fuel, nothing else.
Never smoked yet he attaches cigarettes to the safety he had in her. In what would have been an instantaneous connection, well before he put one in his mouth. No, instantantaneous, the moment of birth. These things stink, especially when done inside doors, they take over and consume the smell of everything, replacing it with the most horrendous of smells, tobacco stink. Fred is clearly understanding of the discrimination against cigarettes.
So, instantaneous, the first person he would have ever saw is her, this beautiful face, the first smell, this horrible thing. The second face, a monster, the second smell, nothing even though face two was the smoker in the house. The company of a woman, especially intimately is the final proof Fred needs for himself that he has kept his promise, he is safe, he is nothing like that man.
He fights and fights cigarettes, intentionally runs out of them, gets as stoned as balls or trips on whatever psychedelic he has knowing he will not drive anywhere no matter how far the craving pushes him, not for cigarettes, not for sex. Then, at periods through the day or evening he has a terrible time dealing with the connection between the two. It’s hard to feel safe when you know how to use psychedelics properly, defeats the point in many ways. Fred intentionally trips to make sure he has to walk into this terribly difficult thing he is trying to understand, walks into it without support, alone.
All to try and find ways to make himself safer, when he is safe he will no longer need cigarettes. His only way of testing this is with another human being, completely naked and vulnerable to one another, in body and in mind. Body and mind, no stories, no judgements, no wanting this person to be anything other than what they are. Wanting nothing for myself in return but to be allowed to be who I am too, completely me. That is safety, Fred gets this cigarettes will never return as an attachment, only as an addition should it add value to the situation he is in at the time. Exactly like the psychedelic use.
The sex to achieve this is not restricted to a bunch of stereotypes and ignorant view points, he enjoys feminine figures, looked after skin and bodies, that’s what he pursues, with the odd exception. The real beauty in Fred’s process, his game, is how he understands his choices.
Yes, women are my thing, aclearFredposition. It’s not your genitals that make you subscribe to the identity you do, it’s you, and how you present your whole life. Femininity rather than fallopian tubes is the driver behind gender choice, it’s what you embody presenting yourself to the world.
So, as funny as it is given his homophobic background, Freddy’s freedom from these horrible lungbusters may even come from being fucked in the arse by a chick with nice tits and a beautiful cock. He could be doing the fucking too, either way, same same. But it’s not really, another thing he knows about anal sex, the enjoyment, the connection. Only one person is doing the sex here, just one, the other isn’t, only one of the primary tools required is being used at a time, hetero sex both are, expansion of Fred’s clarity in choice of sexuality.
Many alternates are open in this world no matter how farfetched too, you never know. Might happen in bed with the woman that brought erotic thoughts to Fred’s head for the first time when Freddy was maybe 14, Kylie Minogue. Came all over the bedsheets and didn’t even know he was masturbating, had never heard of it.
It was awesome. Maybe a little uncomfortable for Fred’s little brother who was sleeping in the other bed in the same bedroom.
Freddy’s learned a fair bit aboout masturbating since, has definitely evolved considerably, awesomely considerably.
Kylie continues to make guest appearances.
Fred isn’t waiting for sex to quit smoking, he isn’t lazy or deluded in waiting for miracles, he is doing everything he can. Smoked DMT the other day for the first time since January. He was afraid, beforehand did all he said he would except kick and scream. Cried. Cried good.
He gave it a good push, he stayed with the experience when he wanted to escape, smoked more at that point, made it through. Courage.
Down to seven a day on average, darts, was 20 in January. Does little things. After work he walks to Yellowpinch, takes a beach camp chair and smokes bongs and cigarettes. He does the walk first, doesn’t smoke until the top when he used to finish work, go in the van, bong, go outside, cigarette. A simple change that will contribute to the durries becoming less each day again.
Simple shit, it’s all that is required to take responsibility for the stuff that is holding him back, you back. Apply little practical sustainable changes to everything, obesity, all addictions. Make it fun.
Fred, sitting on a hill, in a chair, high, come on people, you know it’s his funnest of fun, his choice. The life he chooses over all other alternatives for himself.
Part 05 – The conversation continues
The conversation continues.
The Narrator wondered what made Finn so angry that his whole body was shaking and he threatened to fire Fred on the spot. It wasn’t Fred. Fred was doing what he was doing when Finn called him over, leaning on the trailer, listening to Finn talk, responding when necessary.
Rewind a little. Two nights ago a bed broke in one of the huts, a bunk bed, had every potential to do some significant damage to the person underneath. These things happen, so be it, but they happen far too much through negligence, negligence was the problem here.
The bunk had been repaired, well repaired is a very loose term here, it was delayed in its breaking was more to the point. Terrible workmanship. No matter who did it, the fact it has been like that with significant time to be inspected given nobody currently at the property has touched it means that the owners are liable, they are the negligence. It could get them stuck in jail for a little while. Same scenario with Finn’s snake information.
Not knowing things one should know, ignorance, is not a viable defence in a court of law in the Narrator’s understanding of it.
Here is the truth of how to tell the difference between venomous and non-venomous snakes, it’s very fucking hard. It comes down to things like underbellies, how are you going to check its underbelly? Might be able to see venom glands on the head, might. Other things that are even more complicated, made more so by the fact there are exceptions to the rules. Be careful with snakes, fungi and red berries. Timely update.
The signifigance of this particular negligence is that this man is teaching people about eco tourism, bush safety, bush craft and a bunch of other bush things and none of his words can be trusted. Every word he needs to fact check, you need to if you have heard it, your life really could depend on it. Fred highlighted this to him today and even then Finn cannot look at himself and take responsibility for what he is actually doing to the world through his spoilt brat ignorant attitude to life.
First thing this morning, ‘how you doing Fred?. Fantastic, you?‘ ‘Ummm, good, tell me about this bed?’ It’s fucked, it was terrible workmanship, big job to fix it. ‘When you did that?’ I did not do that, it was there well before my time. ‘When you did that?’ Finn, I did not do that shitshow. ‘Are you sure? I didn’t do it.’ I have only touched the MR bunks since I arrived (with the exception of making beds).
Finn, you are responsible for this, you. The lodge. You and Trina are responsible for this. ‘No we’re not, I didn’t do it.’ You are the owner (business owner too), you are responsible for that and what could have happened. There is shonky work all over this place, electric cables, that I am trying to fix. It’s like this because of how much pressure you guys put on everyone. It is your fault, you are responsible.
Finn kept fighting it, Fred repeated to Finn that he is responsible and walked out of the room when he was ready to, not a thing changed in his body. His voice became direct and intentional in every word, he put a bit of extra effort into making sure what needed to be said was.
After lunch, Finn and Fred walk up to where the bed is currently, the trailer. Finn one side and Fred the other. Fred leans, he’s chlling. ‘Come around this side Fred, it’ll be easier to show you’. Fred walks around, leans, chills. ‘Tell me what you mean by its fucked?’ Well, look, it’s fucked, big job to fix it. Fred laughs, pretty obvious when looking in the trailer at all the smashed pieces what is going on here, did not take a genius. Finn, he couldn’t work it out.
‘It’s just you do this, do that, put it back together and it’s done. It’s not fucked.’ Fred laughs, it’s getting pathetic. The bed was like that in the first place because of this poor, attention to detailless approach. It’s extra pathetic, Finn is using the childish spoilt brat not getting its way attitude. Finn, if you’re going to speak to me like this I’m not listening. ‘If you stop talking I’ll show you the next bit.’ Nah mate, not when you’re speaking to me like this. Finn’s blood starts to boild, everything in him is shaking, he wants to hurt Fred.
Not a single thing changed in Fred, not even his tone of voice, he was showing Finn how boring he is, how bored Fred is with him. Did not change a thing. Finn’s body gyrated, it was phenomenal to watch, every detail that could change did. ‘Get out of my way Fred’. Fred didn’t move, he was comfortable, Finn could have gone another way, Fred was busy chillin’.
‘Fred, get out of my way.’ I’m going to take this opportunity Finn to correct you. The information you gave me about venomous snakes not climbing could have killed me. ‘They don’t climb.’ No, they do, including the eastern brown snake. This last piece of information, the snake type was critical to be heard, they are a regular presence at Mount Barney.
Finn fumed. Finn, I’m try to get you to ‘get out of my way Fred or I’ll fire you on the spot’ (Fred swayed a little to make room, Finn went past. Finn could have got past at any point, gone the other way, was just being a brat) understand how your ignorance is really harmful to the world, and everyone in it.
Fucking weak men.
Then Fred set to fixing the bed, replaced the inner structure and is up to pulling out the many nails that are hammered in all different directions from the slats. Taken two hours so far, another two or so remain, over half a days work to fix it, big job. In Fred’s words, it was fucked.
That was that for the day.
So, what was it that made Finn so angry? It might have been during the morning conversation when Fred told Finn to stop blaming everyone else for everything, take responsibility and to be a man.
‘You can’t tell me to be a man, Fred’, reacted Finn. Yes, I can, I just did, said as matter-a-factly as is possible. Finn couldn’t argue with the response, it was fact, Fred had already said it.
Part 06 – Protection
Finn, he’s just stupid, cannot understand that Fred is attempting to show him what he is in order to prevent the things that Finn is afraid of the most, losing his money and privilege. Fred is repaying the initial trust that was given to him, Finn after all employed a man that told him he was heavily into the psychedelic drug scene, including personal use of it, also added he would do it here. He does.
Fred is beyond grateful to Finn and Trina, he was desperate for some stability when he saw the job and accommodation flyer on the Boonah noticeboard. Fred knew the chances were unlikely given the common responses but he gave it a shot, Finn and Trina trusted the honesty Fred gave them. So they know what trust is too, just too dumb to understand that this truth telling was going to extend to everything, everyday, in every situation.
Fred is trying to protect Finn and Trina with the honesty he gives them. between the two of them they have no management or leadership apptitude. Finn, he has zero of these two qualities, in fact the place would run so much more better and smoothly were Finn to leave the property and never step back onto it from a management perspective. Just the occasional running of adventure activities (once he fact checks every word he has ever said) and helping to fix major issues. He can do the banking payments and the admin shit he does from a location well away, he can surf his life away while the business flourishes in the background.
Thr truth is Finn is a lazy lazy man, he knows it, everyone does, he is the only barrier to this place. Without him Trina would no longer need to deal with his childish rubbish, she may actually have the leadership qualities this place needs. At the moment she doesn’t, is too busy dealing with this lazy childish moron that undermines and speaks awfully to her, abuses her, abuses everyone, she by extension does the same. She is keeping this place afloat, is stressed beyond buggery in an environment which is the simplest of simple to manage, an environment where there should be no stress. But there is stress, heaps of it, all because of the laziness, ignorance, and lack of leadership apptitude by a weak man who has put himself in a position of leadership.
Finn has done nothing for his world, this world, my world. Fought off some frackers in the scenic rim, thinks this is something. It’s not, they’re back, in a different way, but back to do the same thing. If Finn had done anything, anyone on the anti-fracking campaign had done anything other than use violence, force and control the new frackers, which isn’t called fracking, it’s called something else, wouldn’t be back and back so damn quickly. People would have learnt together, the threat of fracking would not have popped up again so quickly.
I can guarantee the new fracking people the easiest way to get your way, you know it, Finn knows it, Finn knows it because his words and actions mean nothing, they are ignorance and hypocricy. So, you know it, all it will take for him to give the land to you, the land he calls himself the custodian of, the land that the best thing he can do for it is to leave, shut it down, lock the gates and let it fix itself. It is the custodian of you buddy, not you it.
Anyway, all that you need to do fracking cunts is wave a dollar sign in front of him with enough numbers on it and he will forget all about fracking, fighting and all the rest, he will give himself and everything he knows up to put money in his pockets.
This is what Fred is trying to protect, to thank these people for their initial trust. Protect the money that goes into their pockets from all the hard work they have done on this beautiful property. It’s the absolute foundation to do something phenomenal with, even turn it into the absolute benchmark in healing spaces in this world, it’s all there, everything that is needed.
The negligence of work isn’t the only part these guys need to look at. Yeah jail terms and significant fines come with it, fines that would get close to consuming all finances from the sale of the property, leaving these guys with nothing. After all their hard work and money hoarding they would need to start completely again with nothing, they don’t deserve that, it’s extremely hard to do. Fred, he can help you understand this hardness.
It goes further, Finn mentioned to Fred that fixing the roads inside the property would cost around sixty grand, that the sixty grand would break him. It is one job out of many that need to be fixed, should any potential buyer inspect this place closely for the work that is required to make it safe another zero can go at the end of that, at least.
The biggeest concern however is that these people, who call themselves leaders and managers, are abusing the rights of their workers. This is the part Fred wants the owners to really know. This is the part that could end up in them losing every single thing that they have, have ever worked for, made who they are. It’d be a blessing, but one they wouldn’t make it through, a blessing not designed for the weak and cowardly.
23 years they have owned and managed this facility. 23 years of staff employment. 23 years of back pay that may be required.
There are two breaks afforded to staff, a 15 minute paid morning tea break and a 30 minute unpaid lunch break. Almost every single one of these breaks staff are working at the request of management. Answering phones is a big one, the young woman hired in the admin role almost never has her lunch break unbroken. Fred has mentioned her rights to her a few times, she isn’t quite ready to stand up for herself. Both Trina and Finn will come up to staff, Fred regularly and start talking work in the breaks, all though yesterday Finn started to and then stopped.
This is not a new thing, there is a new staff member that is old, hasn’t been here for years. The one she replaced was at the Lodge for two years. This is a pattern that has been ongoing for years and years, maybe 23 of them. These guys, should there be a complaint, will need to back pay 45 minutes a day for years and years to every staff that has ever worked there.
Finn, understand this, if 60k will break you the Narrator cannot begin to imagine what god knows how much this fine will be would do to you.
Fred doesn’t make threats, should he be fired and removed from the property due to the absolute pathetic coward Finn is Fred will look after himself. He won’t kick and scream about unfair dismissal. He will do something that does something for everyone, not just himself. He will make a complaint to the fair work commission about the abuse of staff rights (has done), he will ensure everyone who has walked through Mount Barney Lodge’s doors is looked after.
Fred would be due maybe $2,500.00 AUD in back pay, others the figure would be much much more. Unfair dismissal, probably another 0 on the end, but this isn’t Fred’s way, selfishly taking for himself. No, $2,500 is more than enough to get him through a little while to sort himself out. Doesn’t need to be greedy in any way.
Finn and Trina, or Trina, the one with leadership apptitude here, Fred is begging you to listen, open your eyes, pay attention. Please do.
Part 07 – Dismissed and evicted
Definitely not up for a real conversation, either of these two cowards, the owners that is.
9.15am after asking Fred to clean the amenities as the cleaner was sick his position and living conditions are terminated. People who call themselves good people have evicted a good man, a really good man, the best of men.
Fred’s version of the Friday events have not changed. Will not change. Finn, and Trina, have embellished it to suits themselves. Weak people.
So, 9.15am, Fred sits down with Trina for the standard toolbox meeting they have when she gets back from her week away. Finn and Trina are separating, cannot stand to be around one another. This really should tell them all they need to know about themselves but they’re too ignorant to pay attention. Let’s make a clear note here, Finn was not present, was not on the property, did not even support his wife in this conversation that came from his cowardice in actions and words.
‘Fred, this meeting today is to dismiss you from your employment for serious misconduct. Physical and verbal’. Fred smiled his big smile, the smile that generally proceeds his big laugh. Fair enough, Fred starts to get up and walk away. Trina keeps speaking, Trina you do not need to keep speaking, so be it, I’ll be gone in a week. ‘No, I want you gone by 4pm today’, responds Trina. No, I will not be, you do not have the right to make a man homeless in one day. ‘I’m not making you homeless’. Yes you are. ‘I’m not making you homeless Fred’. Yes, you fucking are, you have no right to make another person homeless in one day, less than seven hours to be factual.
‘I’ll call the police’. Go for it, responds Fred.
Fred walks away, and returns 15 minutes later to collect his tablet, lunch and coffee. Leaves and drives to Rathdowney, he’s out of cigarettes, was going to give them up today but will delay that a few days. An excuse to keep smoking, Fred knows it, at least he recognises it.
On the way to Rathdowney the police car is going the other way, slows and all of a sudden is behind Fred, lights come on, Fred pulls over.
The Police Officer starts to introduce himself, Fred laughs, it’s okay mate, I know what this is about. ‘Do you want to explain your version of events?’, asks the officer. Well, sure, but what I’d really like first is a cigarette. Do you mind if we meet at the station in Rathdowney? ‘Sure, you’re not going to run away or anything?’. Haha, no, I’ll grab the cigarettes and meet you at the station. Fred did what he said, always does what he says, he’s not a hypocrite or a coward this good man.
Fred buys darts, lights one and walks over to the station, the officer is waiting outside. Fred repeats his story, this story, the details from Wednesday when the bunk broke onwards. Nothing changed in his words from this version to the version expressed today. It’s a simple story, doesn’t need to be complicated. Fred does not lie or embellish at all, he isn’t interested in just getting his way, getting people to side with him, not even the police officer.
The officer agreed that seven hours notice to evict does not seem fair, cannot say it is not fair, just that it doesn’t seem fair. He was worried that Fred might lash out, destroy property, make a scene. Fred made it clear he is not a coward, does not abuse people for retaliation or any reason, will not let them abuse him.
Abuse, this is the issue here, Fred stood up for himself every time Finn and Trina tried to abuse him, abuse their position, abuse and take away his rights. No different to Friday. Weak people dismissing a strong person because he will not let them abuse him, not with words, privilege, physicality, taking away rights, not under any circumstance.
Fred is homeless, officially for the third time. This time however he’ll be lucky to have enough to get through the few weeks before he gets his tax back, the tax will keep him going for a month but he has to get to that point first. He may not make it, financially or through motivation to continue. All the evidence he needs as to how sick this world is has presented itself, continues to. Fred does not need to continue this experience any longer. A man that is unwilling to lie in any way cannot, it appears, exist in this coward dominated world.
So, that’s the conclusion to this conversation. There may be an update or two along the way as Fred does what he said he will do. The email to the Fair Work Commission will follow this soon. The Lodge really has just come up against an immovable object without realising they, Finn and Trina, are far from an unstoppable force.
What from here? The options are limited. Doesn’t really matter should he finish it all up. Option number two might be an option, sell the car and go travelling again, find somewhere cheap, see how long the finances will last him. Then reassess.
Not sure, doesn’t matter. This is the end of the conversation, for now. Reader, be clear, should you engage with Mount Barney Lodge these are the people you are supporting, this is the world you encourage and support. Should you support them you are no different to them, just as pathetic, abusive, weak and cowardly.
08 – More to the point
It continues in a way. This woman, Trina, is absolutely desperate to make a man homeless, it’s unbelievable how much she needs this. Needs this moment to validate herself, her comment, her words, money is power, Fred. It’s in an earlier chapter.
Fred has been asking her to prove it since, she cannot. Say something to Fred that you believe in, that he questions and you will not budge on your belief, an answer will be found.
Fred has been close to broke for a while. He knew after the Friday morning conversation it would be his last day, obviously knew, hence he made the snake correction. He knew he was about to be made homeless with very little, yet nothing, not even the stability of his simple humble home and enough money coming in each week to get by could make him give up himself, he would not be abused, he would not be manipulated, he would not be controlled, bullied, he would not let another person project violence into his world and get away with it.
Finn is a liar, he is a coward, the two go hand in hand, they are dependant on one another. His lies and his inability to be with the feelings and emotions in his own body have made another man homeless. The cruelty of what has occurred since was an opportunistic opportunity for his wife.
This is what she needed, to remove this thing from her life that is showing her how wrong she is, not just about money being power, about every single thing she has made important in her life. Soon she is going to see herself as she is, she does not want to do this. Needs to hold onto her harmful belief, money (and privilege) is power. This is everything to her, her whole identity, she needs it, cannot be anything without it.
She cannot control this thing, this man, in front of her. Therefore she cannot stand the threat in front of her, the threat that smiles at everything, is always fantastic, has easily filled the boots he was told would be big. Fred laughed about this, you’ve got big shoes to fill, there were two things he already knew about Trina now.
One, the lines on her face show her cruelty, the sharpness of them, the sharpest he has ever seen, the ugliness of them. It’s not bone structure or being ugly this, your lines of your face, harsh or gentle, show the world who you are right now. They are the easiest of easy to read. How you hide your face with makeup, botox, poses, these things show who you are now. A face is easy to read, this is what Fred read in Trina the moment he saw her, he was right.
Two, anyone who says to anyone that they need to live up to another person is no manger, has no leadership understanding, may have apptitude but not understanding at this point. This is a blatant attempt to manipulate another person, it is bullying, control, force, violence.
Fred laughed, you’ve got big shoes to fill, after what he experienced here and the worksmanship involved. Well, only required his little toe to fill them, not very big shoes at all.
Fred, and the Narrator, are going to stop saying fuck and cunt as much. The point has been made, he is free, saying he knows what it means to be gentle, kind, compassionate, loving, forgiving, and a bunch of other happy words. Yet these words he uses creates a barrier because others don’t think this is how it should be, anyone with these things will only talk this way or that way. It’s a story, a discrimination, it’s the point of Fred saying these words, he intentionally isolates himself to help others understand the basics of what is harmful in this world, what we can do something about. Fred’s stories really are the ultimate in love stories, you just refuse to see it because of your focus on what the words being used should be rather than what they are. Discrimination.
It’s the same shit with what Trina and Finn are doing. Refusing to see the truth because of their stories, it’s just discrimination in a different way. As rascism is just discrimination with different clothes on. It’s all the same shit, a belief that something should be some way and I am forcing that belief onto my world, destroying it in terrible ways.
Fred won’t do it in return, will not try to manipulate the situation with guilting these people, relying on stories others tell expecting the listener to be sympathetic, using these stories to get his way. Finn, remember, tried to justify himself with everything he has done, Fred didn’t allow it. It’s not what you say, it is what you say versus what you are doing, your actions, right now that matters. These stories are irrelevant.
As are Fred’s, he said he is a good man that people who call themselves good people are attempting to put on the street in one day, not even, six hours and 45 minutes. This is the only justification he allowed himself to express to support his case. It was true, his actions have proven it, didn’t need to try and manipulate with his situation and/or past. He could have, it’s pretty convincing.
A war veteran, domestic violence survivor, rape survivor, advocate who has given up everything there is to give up to fight for social justice and equality. A man who has stood up against domestic violence, and violence in all forms, in some harrowing circumstances. A man who made significant change to a culture of abuse and selfishness, that protected the rights of young men and women in doing so, while his life was being threatened in the background. A person who gets stoned, cooks meals, then rides his bike up and down the street giving them to people who have spent all their money on alcohol, he makes sure they have food in their bellies and their children are looked after. A bloke that is giving away part of his body to a man he barely knows, simply because that man deserves to live freely, simply because he projects kindness to this world, such is the rarity.
Yes, Fred could ask for sympathy, he won’t. None of this shit means anything now or to anyone but him, he won’t use it to manipulate, force or bully another human being. Not even to save his own arse. This man is not violent, he is not a liar, he is not a coward.
The point, the kicker, in this is simple. This conversation, the point of the story, is the definition of what love, compassion and empathy is. Fred, he can say he has done all those things he says to justify himself if he wants, he has every right to. None of it would be hypocrisy, he continues to do them all in every moment of his life.
He fights wars by smiling at everyone and telling them he is fantastic when they ask. He talks to everyone like they are worth being talked to, he shows them love, presents himself, presents the truth. He gives the same version of kindness to every person.
He fights against violence by understanding it in himself, what versions of it he has projected to the world. He advocates for peace by not participating in fighting ignorantly.
He knows beyond doubt the changes he makes are the ones that matter. Trina, her cruelty has now reached a point, it’s maximum point, the point at which she can get no crueller, will not let herself. She will start moving in the other direction, unlearning that cruelty while coming to understand it. Mostly understanding it comes with being a human, it’s okay, it is what it is. Some people need harsher lessons to learn certain behaviours, other topics will be less extreme.
Fred was the target of her cruel projections, these ones anyway, he is grateful. He is glad it was him, the best person for the job. Trina has projected her violence onto him, Fred is grateful, he has been a significant participant in a behavioural understanding that will make other’s safer, treated with fairness, treated equally as people. Beautiful outcome.
Even more beautiful is when Trina comes far enough in her self-awareness and understanding and this moment is there waiting, she will see what was in front of her. She will have some understanding of what kindness, love, compassion and empathy look like. Fred becomes a role model. Most importantly, if she ever fights with reaching out and apologising to Fred, Trina does not need to. Fred has already forgiven her, didn’t need to, never blamed her in the first place, he knows she is a human being and is grateful he was there to help her see this.
Love, compassion, empathy. Thank you Mount Barney Lodge, Trina and Finn, you beautiful people for taking part in the journey that has allowed me to explain these words in a way in which they can be understood, it’s why I was here. Love you, and I’ll start readying my stuff to leave in the next few days.
09 – The simple question
There is a simple question to ask here now, to finish the story. What has got these people who have so much so scared? They have significant money and privilege yet they are running around naked in fear. Is not money power?
It cannot be this one man, by himself, with very little funds, very little anything. Power is not so fragile, so weak, not true power.
These people’s lives are so lack of value, so full of meaninglessness that their attention, their fight, the only thing in their lives that is real, is to remove that realness from their sight. This is not power, or strength, this is fear and weakness, cowardice.
Fear of what? Losing money, losing the thing they call power, a thing that isn’t anything.
Fear in the face of true power, true strength, this is what they are running from. This thing that doesn’t use any of the words they do to describe themselves, their I Ams, just lives them. They are being shown in real time they do not match up, they have no power. All that exists in their lives, every part, every moment, from the time of birth is delusion.
Yes, delusion, it’s a difficult ignorance to face. Fred’s still working on it too.
Side, question, what will it take for a person to look at themselves and take responsibility for what they are projecting onto their worlds? What will it take?
Trina’s current position, I am willing to put all my energy and fighting to kick a person onto the street, yell and kick and scream. Yet, I am not willing to remove the urine stinking and stained mattress in the equally disgusting in every other way accommodation I present to them. Not even willing to spend any time to clean the years old food (bread, fruit and vegetables included) and mould, the sickness factory that it was.
Yet, again yet, I will fight with all of my might to make that person’s life as difficult as possible. The person who even after dismissal does little but sit by the fire with his legs crossed, eyes closed, doing nothing but setting new world records everyday in the sport of chilling. The same person that bled every week for them, was injured when a trailer broke on their foot (again poor worksmanship), suffered burns, took almost all stress away from an environment that was nothing but stress, made the place more beautiful than ever, fixed plenty of shit that could have caused significant injury, or death, first.
What will it take?
What will it take when Trina was not even present, or on the property, when this transaction of communication took place between Fred and Finn. In fact, the last interaction Fred remembers between those two was Trina repeatingly having to tell Finn to stop being rude to her, and to talk to her respectfully. He didn’t, she didn’t. She knows what he is like, he knows what she is like, they are both afraid of each other, no wonder money is the only thing holding them together, or giving them motivation to work together.
Well, the Narrator supposes, money is power, the Narrator hears anyway.