‘How was your meal?’ requested the waiter/waitress, waiteress, the Narrator does not know the accepted term. Exactly as I ordered, thank you, responded yours truly. ‘Great, thank you’.
Fred knows a couple of things about eating out, his breakfast this morning. First, if he is going to complain about the food he better be able to make the same thing he ordered better than the one in the eatery.
His palate is different to the person who cooked it. His tastebuds and the cooks are different.
Three, the most important to him, he knows he does not pay someone to cook and clean for him for their food. He is paying for the privilege which he has access to allowing this. It doesn’t matter where it is, McDonalds or a Five-Star stupidity, it is the privilege you have that allows access to this thing many do not have the option of. Every cent that is put to it is privilege.
Freddy will speak up if the food is inedible, undercooked or unhygienic. Doesn’t give a shit if it is overcooked, hard to chew or doesn’t look like a magazine cover. If its edible, fills up his belly, he doesn’t get sick, happy days, restaurant has met the expected requirements. Happy with the food, the service and all.
The restaurant are doing their best, the other thing he is pretty sure of.
Frederick queries the argument that it is cheaper to eat at these places then cook at home. It is not cheaper, the argument is pure rubbish, lazy rubbish. Learn to cook would be the solution to this, start there. Fred is grateful he learnt to cook, the early days are a beautiful memory. The tool he had available to him was a beautiful one, the tool the current world has is this crazy thing called the internet.
Fred and a couple of Army mates were living in Surry Hills, living the high life. Waking up one morning to naked arses all over the park just outside the window. The previous night was Mardi Gras, Fred didn’t know what Mardi Gras was, very small town remember, to Sydney. He worked out it had something to do with naked arses.
Eating out every night, having fun, hoping to win pool competitions for a little extra cash to get through to the next pay. Party by nght, sleep in the back of big trucks on top of massive cam nets by day. It was decided the food needed to become cheaper before the alcohol and partying. Fred did not know how to cook. The internet wasn’t as widely available at this time and he hadn’t become a book person, a recipe book person. Yet.
He does what he wants every young man to have the safety to do, he rang his Mum. Walking through the supermarket with his Mum on the other end of the phone. His Mum walking him through what to buy for the garlic chicken dish he loved so much, a little less unhealthy however.
Supermarket trip done, ingredients in bags, five minutes to home. Mum is on speaker phone now teaching Freddy how to sear chicken, chop onions, what to do and when to do it. His Mum taught beautifully, with patience. Fred knew this was the right way, he got it wrong before he got it right, but yeah, the patience approach is a beautiful approach. It is the choice he makes now.
He despised cooking in the home, just hated it. He is quite good at it now, enjoys it. It was a thing his mother did so beautifully, he thought it was a gift. His Father cooked too, it was not Fred’s type of food. Fred didn’t learn how to cook, the Narrator has no more words, why didn’t you learn how to cook Fred? People, readers, this is a typical Fred’s process moment. The Narrator has reached a point in this topic where Fred has no thoughts, understandings or answers. Something will come, together we will learn something about Freddy here today as he learns it about himself. So much fun.
He blamed his mother for allowing the continued trauma and abuse. She did, Frederick has every right to blame, she is at fault too. As is her sister, mother, father, every one and everybody that saw what was happening, changes in personalities, and said nothing.
He never wanted to be like his Dad, he took no interest in any activity that would mean he had to spend more time with him than was necessary. Big Fred was a mechanic and then truck driver. Same theory applies to time with his mother, this would have been number one. About the only interest Fred did not share with his mother. She was his hero, still is.
He came to forgive his Mum a lot earlier than his Dad. This allowed him, at a much younger age, to take an interest that would mean extended time together. Cooking. Repeated weekly process, beautiful beautiful process.
He didn’t get to share this process with his Dad. He is sharing it with another bloke and three women now instead, Fred is learning all the Big Fred things, taking a real interest in them. Finn is teaching well, the three women at the property are teaching well, Fred is teaching well. Listening is becoming better too. He doesn’t need his father to experience what it feels like to be both a teacher and student at the same time, all he needs is a safe enough space. So far so good.
The safe space growing here allows him, everyone, to speak freely. Some people are scared to, it is a conditioning they haven’t quite found their way to yet. There is proof here now that changes will be made when they are required. It is bouncing both ways, owner to staff, staff to owner. What more could he ask for?
Both Fred’s parents have been dead for some time now. Still, the only person who has taken any responsibility for his part in the abuse is Fred himself. He was just a boy, he was a victim, an innocent victim, and yet he knows he has fault as a perpetrator too. Even though he had no tools to cope at age 16 when he kicked his brother in the head. He did that, not his Dad. He stirred his other brother up and could not stop when he was nine. He doesn’t even remember, yet it is there, it happenned. He did that, not his Dad. Again, no tools to stop what was going on.
Was afraid to take responsibility of anything, was just afraid. Again, my friends, that fear, crippling fear, Fred did that to himself, not his Dad.
He was stupid, unlovable, ugly, bad, a loser, broken, battered, bruised before his life hit double digits. Did it all to himself. Yet he survived, he doesn’t know why, he just knows how, So even at the most vulnerable of times and ages it is still me that needs to take responsibility for me. Fred cannot accept the moment he was born he sinned as yet, that innocence isn’t an excuse, he committed an act of ignorance, he needs to accept it. He has hurt his world with that ignorance, he needs to understand it. He did that, he made those choices, even the choice to judge at day dot was his. Mushrooms, again, brought the memory to him.
The first thing he saw in this world was his mother’s beautiful face. Kindness, love, gratitude. Safety. She was. The second, his father, he looked like a monster. he was. One he felt safe towards the other fear. He knew nothing about what the things in front of him were but decided he liked one and not the other based on appearance. He judged them, in doing so judged himself. Sinned against everything and everyone. The relationships followed suit, did they do that or did he? The first sin, judgement, discrimination, ignorance.
The smoking and safety is attached to his mother even though she was not a smoker. He knows this already, all the rest to this point is new. This is a deduction, heavy smokers (Big Fred) and smoking inside makes everything stink like smoke. First face mother, same time first smell tobacco.
Intimacy and tobacco, clearly come down to this, the connection. Fred knows it now, fully, not just the last part, there has been much to learn on both. Safety has always been the female figure, there won’t be any changing of the position. Not in this world where there are too many examples of men attempting safety.
Fred is ready for intimacy now, before this moment no. Doesn’t mean he will get it, not entirely his choice. But it is too. Explore that topic another time. Intimacy without understanding the link to tobacco is directly feeding the attachment. Cigarettes would have hidden away again but they would still be there, they would present again eventually.
Freddy doesn’t want his addiction to return. He wants to be able to participate in activities, ceremonies, circles where he can have a cigarette or joint with tobacco in it without having to fight the addiction again. He’ll quit now too, soon enough. The tobacco and nicotine are already losing their power. Sex will fasttrack it but it won’t take too long to be free of both anyway, while regularly having one and the other whenever. The addiction and the attachments will never return.
There is still some things to learn about both, but this is the original attachment. This, him having fault and choice through the purity of innocence, he needs to accept to open up his life a bit more. He will understand soon enough, but he can’t just write these words and say he accepts and lets go of his participation. Somehow he has to feel and understand what that moment has done to his world, what his judgement and discrimination have done to himself. He knows so much already but not the entirety, there is a little more to learn.
Fred’s afraid, he knows it will become difficult getting through the topic, doesn’t know what the difficult is going to be, it’s a lottery. He only knows he will get through it and be okay. He’s right though, the moment won’t be as bad or the same as the peak Bad Trip moment, it’ll be different. Tough but he’ll be right. Fred’s attitude towards it all, he just trusts he will be alright and he is.
Frederick doesn’t pressure himself to get things right the first, second, third or tenth time. He has an idea, gives it a go, and keeps giving it a go in different ways until he discovers whether the idea works or not. Not buying cigarettes, didn’t get it right this week. Maybe next one, so be it, the thought and idea is there. He will try it when he does. It will be the right moment.
Life generally does that, happens at the right moment, there’s a whole lot more of right moments when one learns to pay attention.